Sure, you still have a few days before Christmas, but do you really want to go to the mall or pray Amazon will come through with that express shipping? Why don’t you just go to CVS where you can find a parking spot and a get a gift for a good deal?
You may be thinking, “IDK, seems trashy–not chic,” but you’d be mistaken. There are plenty of Santa-approved options for all of those you are obligated to buy gifts for, and why should you have to go out of your way when it’s your Christmas too?! This is physical and emotional labor, tbh, and they will get what they get and they will LIKE IT.
Hanukkah Observant Blue Balls
These socks are a perfect pick for anyone you are giving a belated gift to under the guise of being a pagan who celebrates all holidays this season so is it really *that* belated?
High Femme Reindeer
Behind every Rudolph is a Clarice, encouraging her man to STFU and get it together and sleigh. An inspirational gift for the new year.
Lesbian Snow Birds
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby. (Note: You’d have to purchase both or else she’s flying solo.) Also available in all-blue for the gay mens, or switch it up with blue and pink for bisexual visibility.
Speaking of, Babs and her boo are ready to hit the town in their blue and pink lewks, but you can also keep them at home to pose in the images you can no longer find by searching “lesbian” on Tumblr.
Snow Top Minnie
Mickey’s a bottom and you know it. Friends and lovers who hit Disney for Gay Days and the slopes for the Gram will at least say “Wow, thank you so much!” for this, even when they don’t mean it because really, what are you supposed to do with stuffed animals as a grown adult? Not your problem!
A true classic. Stuff that stocking.
Genitals in a Box
An all gender-inclusive take on the Justin Timberlake original. Genitals not included!
For when you need to brush someone’s hair at length and your S.O. keeps telling you to stop now because OW THAT HURTS.
Stankface McGee AKA Grumpy Cat
Ideal for white elephant gift exchanges because whoever ends up with this one will surely look just like this if everyone else gets vodka and gift cards.
Blackhearted Bah Humbag Hat
Goth greetings and to all, eternal night. Pairs well with coal.
Who doesn’t love a gift basket of what-the-fuck-brand-is-this-but-I-love-a-hand-cream-so-that’s-cool-I-guess? Don’t forget to remove the price tag.
The Glow Up
For the mommish figure in your life who has fully transitioned to holiday turtlenecks and brooches, or anyone going to a holiday rave, or both.
Pair this with a cheeky card that says: “Heard you were into threesomes.”
This mug is for anyone who overuses emojis and regrets it becoming their thing now.
A Subtle Mint Hint
Best for giving right before the mistletoe, ya hoe.
Images by Bronwyn Lundberg; Santa by Alex Schmider