5 Reads and 5 Facts from the “Super Smash Bros.” Top/Bottom Matrix

2017 has had no shortage of signs that we’ve strayed too far from God’s light, but the latest landed on Twitter this morning: a matrix of popular male “Super Smash Bros.” characters that guesstimates where they fall on the top/bottom and twink/daddy or bear scales.

The result is some damn drama.

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A lot of this is right and a lot of this is wrong and I’m here to clear some things up for y’all.

FACTS
Ryu is a power top but he’s also one of those Sean Cody types that jackhammers without finesse.

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Wario is, indeed, the most bottom of all Super Smash characters. Just look at that Waussy.

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Having a big sword doesn’t automatically make someone a twink — we’re looking at you, Cloud.

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Mario is much closer to the center of the twink/bear spectrum than people realize. Earlier this year, Nintendo released a still of a shirtless Mario, revealing the character is much deeper in Slip-N-Slide territory than most would think.

Luigi is still one of the most mysterious top-bottom questions in the gaymerverse.

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If there’s one character who has eluded simple categorization, it’s Mario’s brother, Luigi, who we have yet to see shirtless. (Ahem, Nintendo.) Putting Luigi as a power bottom on the Matrix isn’t so much a bad thing, but more indication that this mystery will continue for our children to debate.

READS
Mewtwo is no twink, look at how THICC he is.

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Sonic is a hairy-ass echidna. WHERE is he a twink?

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Who’s daddy is PacMan?

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Bowser is not vers. She is a PIG who wishes the melee was on him.

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The entire matrix reinforces misogynistic ideas of what “top” and “bottom” means and erases those who don’t define their sexuality on whether they give or receive a penis.

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