My Child Just Came Out: Now What?

If you ask most queer people about their coming out experience, usually they’ll tell you that they came out to their family during the holidays. For most, coming out around the holiday season seems to be the most convenient, considering that it can be done in one broad sweep without feeling like one has to come out over and over again to the family. 

While many seem to entertain the conversation about how saucy coming out can be to “the family” during the holiday, rarely is there enough conversation around how to support queer and trans people after folks decide to tell their truth. Since coming out is only half the battle, a conversation must be had about what it means to help queer people after sharing a life-changing truth. We asked parents how they dealt with the news, and they shared ways to be as supportive as possible without making it all about them.

“You’ve got to have a plan,” noted one mother¹ whose daughter came out as trans over Christmas. “I kept reminding my daughter that she would be fine up to that point and after that point.” 

One thing that many parents shared during these interviews is how important it is to remind queer and trans people that they have support both before and after coming out. “Coming out wasn’t so much of a concern for my daughter,” one parent noted. “It was the after that they were worried about. How will my family treat me? How will the family treat those who love and support her? Those are the things one must consider.” 

“How will my family treat me? How will the family treat those who love and support her? Those are the things one must consider.” 

For one family, the concern was how the grandmother would react. “I told my daughter that if in the moment, or even after the moment grandma would say or do something hurtful, I was ready to cut her off,” one mother shared. While sharing that doing so would be hurtful, their child’s happiness mattered more than their relationship with those who didn’t support them. “I never want to be put in a place where I have to choose to support and love my child. I loved them before they came out and I will love them after.” 

Beyond the concern for treatment, the number one worry that parents shared is how to handle the questions that come up from those who might not be as knowledgeable about the queer/trans experience. “You’ve gotta be prepared for the questions that come up after,” one parent explained. In this case, this meant having long and hard conversations about what it means to be trans and how to talk about it in ways that won’t lead to more stigma. “It’s not just about having the right words for things, it’s about knowing how to talk about things.” 

“There are days where I start to spiral. But then I remember that we are both on this journey together and I have to remind myself of that.”

For some parents, it’s about understanding that all of it is, and will always be, a process. “I mean, I am still processing it too,” one parent shared after her daughter came out to her on Christmas. “I mean, there are days where I start to spiral. But then I remember that we are both on this journey together and I have to remind myself of that. We are both learning, growing and changing.” While support is important, one parent noted that response means everything to queer and trans folk after the coming out process. 

“I wanted to tell my child I already knew when they told me,” one parent noted, but then remembered that doing so could change the trajectory of them sharing important pieces about their journey with them. “In the moment, I had to stop myself because at first I wanted to be like, ‘girl I don’t care!’. But I had to take a step back and think about all the things that led up to that moment for them. I knew that this moment mattered and I wanted them to know that what they shared with me would matter long after this moment.” 

For many queer and trans people, the thing that matters the most is reminding queer and trans people that they will always be loved regardless of how folks respond to their coming out. “For me, it wasn’t about being an ally to them,” one parent shared. “It’s truly about them feeling safe to be who they are around me and the people they love and trust.” 

“It’s not just about having the right words for things, it’s about knowing how to talk about things.” 

For one parent, it’s about giving oneself grace in the process, too. “I know that I am not going to always have the right thing to say,” they shared when talking about what people can do to better support queer and trans people on their journey. “But it’s me knowing that my child not only sees me, but also hears me when I talk about things related to the queer and trans experience.” 

But more than that, it’s about letting queer and trans people know that their love and support is unconditional 365 days out of the year.

“I’m a college administrator,” one parent noted. “What would it look like for me to not advocate for my family to respect and love my child when I do it all day at work?” 

In asking both parents what their advice was to those who may not know where to start with supporting someone who came out recently, their response centered on the need for healing. “It really comes down to their mental health,” one parent explains. “You have to understand how being closeted impacted them. Understand that so many queer and trans folks are dealing with depression and need so much more love, support, and moments to heal from all the pain they have endured.”  

Other parents explained that there is so much more that we have to consider after the truth bomb drops. “Listen more than you speak,” one parent adds. “It’s about practicing mindfulness. You never want to make it seem like or talk about it as if it is a phase. It’s who they are and they will tell you how to make their world easier.” ♦

¹Names have been omitted from this story to protect identity.