To Break Up or Not To Break Up

This controversial post shows why sometimes you need to break up to come out

Being in a relationship isn’t easy no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes, going through life changes together can cement the bond between partners. Other times, those changes are just too big to go through without putting the relationship through a lot of strain.

On social media, a popular, if controversial question is making the rounds yet again. A screenshot from a message board tells the story of the original poster, a young woman, whose partner is exhibiting some egg tendencies. Now there’s nothing wrong with being an egg, and we know this. But in terms of trying to embrace trans identity while staying in a long term relationship, it can be a difficult balance. “This does not come from a place of judgment,” the original poster explains, while saying that she’s worried that if her partner transitions, the relationship will change forever.

The obvious answer is: of course it’s going to change. Whether or not the relationship can handle that change is another question. And while trans people do need plenty of love and support as we come into a full understanding of our identity, it’s also true that this process is a slow one, and might benefit from more introspective alone time than a partner is ready to handle.

As Joelle Tungus explains, relationships can place gendered expectations on us that can end up being a hindrance to our ability to explore who we really are.

Because let’s be honest: a lot of cis folks, however they identify, do enter into a relationship with lots of gendered expectations and baggage.

The end of a relationship is never easy, but sometimes breaking up is what it takes to become who you need to be.

Also, it’s never a good sign when someone views their partner’s emerging transness as a “kink.” Do we have to have the “gender identity and sexual identity are different things” AGAIN?

The truth is, whether we like it or not, it’s always going to be a burden on the trans person to educate the cis person about gender identity, and that’s not always something we’re ready or willing to do, especially during the vulnerable moment of coming out.

Obviously, every couple needs to decide for themselves what the best route to take might be. But in this case, if a trans person is with a partner who sees their gender identity as a “kink,” it’s probably safe to say that breaking up is better. Trans people have enough to deal with without having their partners invalidate their coming-out journey.

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