Love Thyself

Trans folks are asking: how do I deal with a partner who doesn’t respect my transition?

In a perfect world, coming out as trans would be a completely uncomplicated and joyful process. You should be met with acceptance and love wherever you turn, and no one should be allowed to ruin the vibe by acting like an ignorant jerk.

But sadly, we live in reality, and whether we have to deal with uninformed parents, unsupportive partners, workplace discrimination, or a roommate who simply can’t get down, usually there’s some obnoxiousness we’ll have to encounter sooner or later.

For one trans girl on Reddit, things got very bad very fast after her boyfriend’s roommate decided to act disgusting about her transition.

While spending time with her boyfriend of six months, she noticed that his roommate was staring at her. When she got up to use the bathroom, the roommate followed and started acting really inappropriately. He called her slurs and started calling her boyfriend “gay.” Obviously this is a horrible situation to be in, and hopefully the boyfriend would step up and call out his roommate on his disgusting behavior. But that’s not what happened. Instead, the boyfriend ended up blaming his trans girlfriend for not tucking well enough and “outing” herself.

Obviously this is a hard thing to go through, and folks on Reddit had only one thing to say: “DUMP HIM.”

Which…yeah. If your partner supports you only half the way, that’s not going to be enough. Transitioning is hard and you need unqualified support from the people you love. If anyone’s going to act like being harassed is somehow your fault as a trans person, it’s time to end the relationship. Nothing and no one is worth your self esteem and self worth.

“Dump the guy,” one poster quickly commented. “First off, he’s homophobic if he’s scared of being called gay. Secondly, he’s a narcissistic a**hole who only cared for himself. Thirdly, you deserve way better.”

Right on! That’s excellent advice. It can be hard to leave a partner who’s been with you during the early parts of transition, but the thing to remember is that this is not the only person who will ever love you. You don’t need love that’s only going to go halfway. Right now, you need complete, unconditional support from your community, and this guy ain’t cutting it. Passing or not, you are never responsible for the harm people bring upon you.

Another commenter simply stated: “this is not your boyfriend, this is your boyfoe.”

Preach! “Boyfoe” is now officially part of the trans lexicon.

“I’m sorry that happened,” someone else posted. “His roommate assaulted you and all he cares about was that the jerk was calling him gay. He’s a sh*tty partner and you deserve better and I’d give you the biggest hug if I could.”

Right on: you should never have to put up with someone who doesn’t respect you, and who doesn’t try to protect you from harm. Trans people are wonderful, and we should never have to compromise on love!

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