Sure, all four members of Little Mix identify as straight, and yes, their new album LM5 is brimming with heterosexual propaganda, but fear not: queerness lies deep within the belly of this album. LM5, the British girl group’s fifth studio album, was released today, and it’s spilling over with feminist bops and bangers.
As I’ve come to learn, just because a song contains he/him pronouns doesn’t mean it’s not queer — you just have to peel back the layers and find the buried gay treasure. So, here’s your guide to gay shit on the new Little Mix album: I ranked every song on LM5 by their queerness. Let’s start with the straightest.
This sexy, Nick Jonas-sounding fuck-banger is about being ignored by a man, which is wholly unrelatable to me. Who has time for that?
Mark my words: “Motivate” is the best song on LM5. Actually, it’s probably one of Little Mix’s best songs to date. But unfortunately, there is nothing queer about it, other than the girls referring to their vaginas as “oceans.”
While “American Boy” might be one of the best songs on LM5, there’s not much queerness to cull from these lyrics. The song is about jealousy and paranoia, which admittedly are both super queer themes — but I just can’t relate to a song about a boy in a band. A girl in a four-piece girl group whose voices blend flawlessly, sure. But the chorus goes, “I know he thinks about her when he plays guitar,” which just makes me think of some straight dude in a flannel at a house party playing “Iris” on his shitty acoustic Yamaha. That’s straight culture if I’ve ever heard of it.
“Think About Us”
This song is deeply heterosexual. “Think About Us” is a Level 10 bop, but there’s a lot of talk of “the club,” which is an exclusively straight experience that I cannot and will not relate to. There will be no “Crying in the Club” like Camila Cabello, or making “Love in This Club” like Usher, and there will certainly be no fantasizing about men in the club like Little Mix. Queer people don’t go to “the club,” we go to “gay bars,” or really anywhere that will play Ariana Grande and Rihanna on a never-ending loop. Or we stay home — most of us stay home.
“Forget You Not”
More chatter about this storied “club.” What is this “club?” Where is it and what’s the appeal? Don’t you have Netflix?! Stay home!
“Love A Girl Right”
Little Mix gifted us with “The Thong Song” cover we never needed nor asked for — and yet, it’s a total bop. More “the club” speak. Even though covering Sisqo is an unforgivable act of violence against the gay community, I will rank this song higher than “Think About Us,” because Little Mix loves gassing up their female friends in super queer ways, and this song is no exception. In “Love A Girl Right” they sing, “I’ll be there for my girl always, she means the whole world to me,” and “In my eyes, all I see is a queen.” Are you sure you’re not in love with your best friend, ladies?
As an instant classic power ballad, “The Cure” is a song about rising from your own ashes, which is queer as fuck. I’m not even trying to be deep, or say this song is a metaphor for coming out and learning to accept yourself. I’m saying “The Cure” is an allegory for Fawkes from Harry Potter, a flamboyant queer icon who’s capable of literally rising from her own ashes and curing wounds with her salty tears.
“The National Manthem”
As the immaculately harmonized intro track to LM5, “The National Manthem” doesn’t fully count — as it’s only 30 seconds long — but its five short lines are mired in gay. They open with “She is a bad bitch, made up of magic,” which is every queer woman ever. Then we move into “Pray to the goddess,” which is an obvious nod to lesbian witchcraft. And finally, the commandments of “The National Manthem,” which are: “Don’t break your promise,” and “Thou shall be faithful and honest.” A man? Being honest?? In this economy?? Please. This intro has literally nothing to do with men. The title of this intro should be “Gay Witches Only.”
“More Than Words” (feat. Kamille)
I’m obsessed with this song, from its 2000s-esque girl group vibe to its hip-hop beat and power-ballad chorus. “More Than Words” is an ode to a genderless person, who seems to be a best friend that was there for Little Mix post-breakup. If that’s true, then the lyrics are pretty friggin’ Sapphic, from the droning “I need you more than words,” to “You’re a part, you’re a part for me now, Ju-ju-ju-just as mu-mu-much as I’m a part of you.” I need a friend who’s as gay for me as Little Mix is for their best friends.
“Wasabi” isn’t queer lyrically, but sonically, this song is gay catnip. I am fully prepared to hear this song in every gay bar for the rest of my life. I can already picture drag queens voguing to this fire banger.
“Woman’s World” is literally about the wage gap and having to work twice as hard as the mediocre, white male flop that sits next to you in the office. Be gone, patriarchy! Little Mix is done with your shit, and being done with men’s shit is GAY!
“Woman Like Me (feat. Nicki Minaj)”
As the first single off LM5, “Woman Like Me” is about being a loud and proud nasty woman without a filter. To promote the single, the girls of Little Mix have been wearing really good suits and menswear, like on the MTV EMA’s red carpet, and in the music video, and to flex on Instagram. They’re not quite Suitlords yet, like Cate Blanchett or Blake Lively, but they’re throwing their hats in the ring of Extreme Suiting, and that’s queer enough for me.
“Strip (feat. Sharaya J)”
“Strip” is about body positivity and confidence, and loving yourself no matter what shape, color, gender, etc. Coming to love and accept yourself for who you are is like, the cornerstone of the queer experience. Plus, Leigh-Anne says, “Love who you wanna, don’t give a damn it’s a man or a woman,” in this song. Thank you, Leigh-Anne, warrior LGBTQ community, for your thoughtful contribution.
“Joan of Arc”
“Joan of Arc” is ranked highly for a few reasons. One, it’s literally oozing gay culture in every lyric, especially when the girls sing about “stanning” themselves. Thanks for the shoutout to gay Twitter, Little Mix! Next, they say “I love me so much I put my hands on myself.” As a person who is attracted to the same sex, many-a-straight has asked me if I’m thusly sexually attracted to myself. After fighting back for years, I finally realized that yes, I am extremely hot and I would 10/10 hit it. So, thinking you’re so attractive that you want to touch yourself is gay. Also, in the chorus, the girls say, “I don’t need a man.” Case closed. That is cold hard evidence that “Joan of Arc” is gay. In this essay I will…
“Monster in Me”
Not to be dramatic, but “Monster in Me” is literally a song about every toxic, moving-way-too-fast relationship I’ve ever had with a queer woman. With lyrics like “Why don’t we kill each other slowly? What can I say? Baby, what can I do? The monster in me loves the monster in you. Hold me, squeeze a little tighter ’til we can’t breathe,” it’s easy to recall the human sack of trash you used to let sleep in your bed. Suffocating and killing each other slowly are textbook toxic queer girl moves. This is like Lesbianism 101. Straight men are terrible in a plethora of ways, and I don’t doubt that these lyrics speak to those heterosexual experiences, but trust me: no relationship will unhinge its jaw and swallow you whole faster than a queer female one.
While this track isn’t lyrically that queer — it’s just about love lost — the music video features a lesbian love story between a cute redhead and a mermaid played by Peyton List.
“Told You So”
Okay, I know everything I’ve said previously sounds like a wild justification as to why each song is queer, and I don’t want to sound like the girl who cried “queer,” but this song is extremely fucking gay. Every time I hear a song about girls comforting their gal pals after a guy breaks her heart, I can’t help but theorize about what’s really going on between them. To borrow a phrase from Little Mix, “It’s in my DNA,” and every gay person’s genetic makeup to theorize about who and what is actually gay. With that being said, “Told You So” has triggered me.
The second line of this song is, “How are you feeling, girlfriend?” Soon after, we move into, “But finally, you found out that he’s never gonna love you like we do.” Damn! Next, we hear, “Girl, just come round mine tonight, I’ve got wine and make-up wipes, I’ll hold you, I’ll hold you.” I’m sorry — does this not sound like the beautiful, saccharine beginning to a platonic-turned-romantic relationship between two women? Telling your female best friend that you love her more than her shitty boyfriend does is the gateway drug to full-blown lesbianism! I would know—I’ve done it! Tell her her worth, bitch! Hold her like no one else will! Kiss! KISS!