According to the tabloids, Demi Moore has been up to some pretty gay shit.
The actress is allegedly dating Serbian stylist Masha Mandzuka. The headlines have been extremely homophobic, almost borderline comedic—most refer to the stylist as Moore’s “gal pal” or “secret girlfriend.” Regardless, my gay heart was set aflutter by these rumors, especially because Demi Moore is an actress that I grew up lusting over—and let’s be real, she’s done some pretty gay shit. From her MoC bald lewk in G.I. Jane (1997), to playing a promiscuous bisexual in Rough Night (2017), to her days as a Suit Lord in Now & Then (1995), she’s never shied away from a queer aesthetic. But there’s one Demi Moore movie in particular that sent my teenage self spiraling, and that was Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle—her gayest movie.
The 2003 action-comedy from director McG was a staple of 2000s culture. It was jam-packed with girl power, skin-tight leather pants, and (exploitative) flirtations between some of our favorite actresses from the early aughts. The latter were often instigated by Madison Lee (Moore), who I believe is and has always been canonically bisexual.
Now, just because someone is canonically queer doesn’t mean they’re, uhh, a progressive and accurate portrayal of a queer person. But as all girls who like girls know, people contain multitudes. So, while I understand that Madison may actually be a harmful trope of a bisexual woman and hasn’t necessarily done anything for the community, I can also appreciate her face and her mouth and what she has done for me personally. Yes, it’s true: You can be woke and pussy-blind at the same time.
With that being said, Madison fits flawlessly into the trope of the depraved bisexual—without actually being explicitly defined as bisexual. She’s deceitful, wicked, hyper-sexualized, and openly predatory. Every single one of those words is meant to be negative, and yet on Demi Moore, it fucking works. Madison is the type of morally compromising depraved bisexual that will make you say, “Why did they make her say that?” but then immediately follow it up with, “I don’t know but maybe we should see how this plays out.”
In Full Throttle, Madison seemingly has a crush on Natalie (Cameron Diaz). The bubbly blonde and the slithering brunette are foils of each other, which has all the makings of a great on-screen lesbian romance (See: Alex and Piper in OITNB). In numerous scenes, Madison attempts to seduce Natalie—although, admittedly, she uses that surface-level bad guy seduction technique. It’s not actually heartfelt. Even though it’s sexy, it’s about as sensual as Scar from The Lion King talking to Simba—AKA, uncomfortably flirtatious given the circumstances.
When they first meet on the beach, Madison stuffs her surfboard in the sand where Natalie is kneeling, and feigned tension is already bubbling. They exchange a deluge of sexual innuendo before Madison leans in close, just an inch from Natalie’s mouth, and whispers sweet nothings into her pores. Later, during their infamous “go to hell” face-off, Madison literally drags her ruby red lips down Natalie’s face, pointing the barrel of her gun at Natalie’s throat. Again, the sexual tension isn’t real and it’s all exploitative and male gazey, but look, when you’re 12 and questioning, these scenes are tight as hell.
But if the sexual tension between Madison and Natalie wasn’t enough, there’s also her outfits. Demi Moore loves a pantsuit, and while attending a movie premiere/bad guy summit as a villainous sex fiend, she sports a satin black button-up and matching trousers—perfect for leaping off buildings and ruining all your relationships. Then there’s the luscious, floor-length fur coat, the tiny black bikini, the killer stilettos, the golden guns! Madison was basically source material for Blake Lively’s character in A Simple Favor.
A few months ago, I ranked every Charlie’s Angel, past and present, based on lesbianism, and Madison came in at a fiery number 4 out of 14. Unfortunately, she couldn’t be number one, because Kristen Stewart has signed on to play an Angel in the latest iteration of the franchise, plus Drew Barrymore’s character is exquisitely dykey, and one of the Angels in the 2011 TV series dies before the first episode is over, which is lesbian as fuck. However, Madison deserves to be ranked highly because of her most lesbian quality: It’s not her masculine trousers, or her big lesbian crush on Natalie. No, it’s her penchant for revenge.
Once Madison’s wronged, she will hang it over your head and let it haunt you until you die—or until she comes for you at the Griffith Park Observatory wielding two goldslicked handguns, and she thinks you and your friends are dead, but as it turns out, you’re all wearing bulletproof vests. Us queer women carry our grudges to the grave, so we love a good revenge plot, even if we let it consume us. Madison isn’t just evil—she’s an avenger, and not the straight Marvel kind.
Demi Moore’s former Angel is a queer goddess, and I can’t believe we haven’t claimed her as our own sooner. But now that the actress has ditched Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher and has potentially started dating women, it seems like as good a time as ever to demand a spin-off where Madison is resurrected from the dead and elopes with Natalie to live a life of crime and lesbianism. I look forward to more queer roles in Moore’s future, and more hot Serbian girlfriends. A world with a queer Demi Moore is a world I’d like to live in.