Of all of the horrible things to happen in 2018, I didn’t think the spirits would wait until Halloween day to drop the most horrific atrocity upon us. The Witcher, the popular video game and book series, is being made into a Netflix series — and so far, it’s not looking great.
The lead character of the game, Geralt of Rivia, is known in the gaming community as a Hot Dad (that’s the scientific term). Netflix cast Henry Cavill as Geralt back in September, and everyone was onboard. Where could it go wrong? We have a giant video game hunk and literal Superman, perfect fit — until now. Netflix released a teaser for the show, just showing a brief clip of Henry Cavill in costume. And it was terrible.
Get your first look at Henry Cavill in The Witcher! pic.twitter.com/1O2eWS1MkP
— Netflix (@netflix) October 31, 2018
I don’t know if Netflix overthought it, or didn’t think hard enough, but it’s not working. First of all, let’s talk about this ugly ass wig. This is the definition of a Party City wig, except not even from the costume section. It looks like it’s made out of a reused fiber lamp. I don’t understand why it’s so long; Geralt invented the grey short ponytail for men, why are we taking that away from him?
asdf;adfakladf this party city wig i'm screaming https://t.co/VVRoMm0hdX
— 🌸cass🌸 (@ohnoitscass) October 31, 2018
Furthermore, the whole appeal of Geralt is that he’s kind of roughed up, but still warm. His body is covered in scars, but he’ll still going to ask you to text him when you make it home all right. He’s like Kratos’ cousin who minored in poetry. Right now, Cavill is too kept and pretty; he is giving me Legolas’ mean older brother Gregolas.
Does Henry Cavill have something against facial hair? The internet exploded when they saw his Mission: Impossible mustache and yet, Geralt remains clean shaven. Maybe Netflix just doesn’t understand that the demographics for this upcoming show are going to include a lot of women and gay men who want to see their hunky dad in live action. You have to give the girls what they want.
Netflix producers, if you want to know how to improve Cavill’s costume, I’m here for you. We want similar things, I’m sure. You want people to watch the show, I want to watch the show, but you have to give me some reasons. For inspiration, let’s look at one of the more iconic scenes from The Witcher 3, the bathtub scene. I saw a million memes about this bit before I even owned the game.
If you want to know what the audience wants, it’s this. Big hulking, grizzly man in a bathtub. He needs to be emotional and shirtless like half of the time. He needs to have a lot of sexual tension and he needs to be stern, but caring. If you can accomplish all of that, we can probably look past this Party City wig.