As the release date for Frozen 2 draws closer, my gay mind has been burbling with homecooked theories — and with Disney moving the release date up a week to November 22, 2019, I’m getting pumped. Ever since fans created the #GiveElsaAGirlfriend campaign and begged Disney to make the Queen of Arendelle the trailblazing first LGBTQ Disney princess, I’ve been hopeful.
While the studio hasn’t been very progressive in the past, they have made strides toward inclusivity in the time since the original Frozen was released — from declaring that LeFou in Beauty and the Beast was gay, which was a let-down, to casting a straight white man as their first explicitly gay character in a movie, which was also a let-down. Basically, they’re definitely not going to make Elsa gay, even though she didn’t have a romantic storyline in the first movie, and likely will this time around, and it’s going to be a let-down.
And even though the writer and director of the movie, Jennifer Lee, didn’t say Elsa wouldn’t be gay in the new one (and instead played mental gymnastics dancing around a straightforward answer), and the stars of the movie, Idina Menzel and Kristen Bell, have voiced their support for the campaign — let’s be realistic. I’m hopeful but ready to be disappointed. So, in an effort to keep the magic alive before we have any real information on the sequel’s plot, here are six possible storylines I’ve dreamt up for a gay Elsa in Frozen 2.
She Meets a Beastly Female Goat Who Traps Her in Her Home and Falls Madly in Love
I don’t necessarily want this to happen, but hey, I’ve seen Disney movies. I know what kind of sick, Stockholm Syndrome shit these people are into. Maybe Beauty and the Beast would seem less depraved if the beast were female, so it wasn’t as serial killer-y, and maybe if the beast was a wintry cliff-dwelling goat, it’d be cuter. Basically, if we put a lesbian twist on a Disney classic, we’d get the Lesbian Beauty and the Beast nobody needed nor asked for. I’d still watch.
Disney Pulls One of Those Cop-Out “Love is Love” Storylines
There’s this thing that straight people love to say, which you’ve probably heard your recently progressive Aunt Susan post on Facebook, or from your overly supportive college friend Bethany who won’t stop telling you how much she supports Being Lesbian. “Love is love” is a euphemism for, “Well, if we definitely can’t change you—and you’re sure, right? That we can’t change you? Right — and you were born this way, so it’s 100 percent unfixable, then like, what are ya gonna do? You can’t help it.” And that sucks. Like, if I say “I like women,” and the straights are like, “Love is genderless,” and I’m like, “Not really for me though because I don’t like men. Just women,” and they’re like, “Love is love,” and I’m like, “Except no, because I specifically date women,” and so on and so forth until the sun collapses — it doesn’t make me feel very seen.
So, I can totally see the Hets of Disney doing something totally tone deaf with an LGBTQ storyline. Maybe Elsa has a secret admirer, one who carves love notes in the ice outside her Ice Apartment, and Elsa gets all doe-eyed and bushy-tailed thinking about what dreamy, snowy man will reveal himself to her and take her hand in marriage, and totally falls for him via a series of ice-text message exchanges. Then, at the end, Elsa hears her suitor scratching “wyd” into a sheet of ice outside her window at 2am, and we find out it’s some brawny, Brienne of Tarth-looking blacksmith dyke from a neighboring mountain. Subsequently, Elsa decides that love is genderless, and marries her anyway. Don’t get me wrong—this would be a totally positive message, and would be monumental for a children’s movie, but it does kind of sound like your recently progressive Aunt Susan’s wet dream.
Elsa Could Say “Lesbian Winter is Coming”
Which would be funny, cause it’s like a Game of Thrones quote, but lesbian.
Anna Draws the Queerness Out of Her
No one knows you like your sister does, and with Anna and Elsa already being so close, I think it’s possible that Anna could spot Elsa’s queerness before Elsa was ready to admit it. Maybe Anna realizes the real reason Elsa’s been such a loner her whole life, and why she’s always turned away from people is because she’s closeted—not because she’s a haunted ice witch.
In an effort to make Elsa feel supported, Anna invites token lesbians from every village and every land of wonder to a festival celebrating the Ice Queen: A mermaid gay from Atlantica; Moana’s hot lesbian cousin from Motunui; Merida. But it’s a setup, and once Elsa is confronted with homosexuality, she pushes Anna and everyone else away out of fear, but eventually meets her match in an Arendelle dyke, and apologizes to her enthusiastic, well-intentioned sister, thanking her for knowing what she needed before she could even say it out loud. I can’t believe Disney isn’t paying me for these free as fuck storylines.
She’s Gay and Who Cares
I’d like to imagine there’s a world in which a kids’ movie just has a gay character, doesn’t go to extraordinary lengths to justify her queerness or give some giant explainer as to what being queer means. In this utopian alternate universe, Elsa just is and always has been gay. She meets an endearing bladesmith with Michelle Obama arms named Sarah and they shack up in Arendelle and nobody even bats an eyelash. What’s the Frozen version of U-Hauling? Ewe-Hauling?
Olaf Takes Her to a Gay Club
Let’s be honest: Olaf fucks. This dude probably pulls more snowmen than Jack Frost at his peak, with his freshest, most phallic nose carrot. Maybe Olaf will spread the love and bring his pal Elsa to Ice Girls Night at his local gay haunt. They’ll party ‘til the sun comes up. He’ll melt under the strobe lights. She’ll see an ex hooking up with a potato farmer basic she swiped past on Tind-brr four times. Everyone goes home crying. The end.
This is the most realistic storyline possible if we’re going to #GiveElsaAGirlfriend.
Frozen 2 hits theaters November 22, 2019.
Illustration by Bronwyn Lundberg