Starbuck Off!

· Updated on May 29, 2018

If there’s one thing everyone has the easiest access to in the world, it’s the Internet and a Starbucks, so you’re probably all familiar with Starbucks’ latest marketing ploy, the Unicorn Frappuccino. Carefully concocted in a lab by 11 basic white girls for their gay BFF’s, the unicorn frap is getting mixed reviews. Let’s help the addictive fast coffee chain come up with several new drink ideas for for the gays who love them.

1. The Glitter-ccino

Flavor: Glitter, cotton candy, and Elmer’s glue.

Just one cup of this and you’ll be sparkling in that porcelain toilet for day! Perfect for that person who likes things to always been sparkly and beautiful. The Elmer’s Glue really helps make everything stick together. Those OCD gays, ya know?

2. The Britney-ccino

Flavor: Cheetos, chewing gum, and conservatorship.

Each drink is topped with a mini pink bob and Cheetos. A Starbucks employee has to watch you drink the entire thing, just in case you’re having an off day and you’re within arm’s reach of hair shaving utensils or umbrellas.

3. The Twink-uccino

Flavor: Ex-lax with a pineapple floater.

Perfect for the customer who loves to bottom but doesn’t always have time to swing by Rite-Aid for a disposable douche. The pineapple floater helps with making everything a bit sweeter. Smooth boys from all over the globe are sure to line up around the block for this one.

4. The Basic Bitch-uccino

Flavor: Mascara, vodka soda, lip gloss with optional crushed Valium sprinkles.

Perfect for that basic bitch girlfriend BFF who gets a little too extra when she’s drunk at the club, cries and tries to make out with 3 dozen gay guys. The optional Valium sprinkles are for when you know she’s going to be way too out of hand because her crush didn’t text her back in the past hour, so you take precautions so Kelly can sleep comfortably in the coat closet of the club, instead of hearing her ask “Do you think I’m pretty?” all night.

5. The Hungover-ccino

Flavor: Advil and grease.

For the day after a full on night of being turnt, everything you’ll need comes in one cup. The taste is that of the candy shell on Advil tablets with drizzled grease throughout! Topped with bits of Advil and a single mozzarella stick. You’ll never need a diner at 4am again, just a 24 hour Starbucks!

6. The Bey-Tea Lemonade

Flavor: Iced Tea Lemonade (Aka tastes the same, just slapped Beyoncé’s name on it…)

Beyoncé has conquered music, film, fashion and now STARBUCKS. She couldn’t handle people being addicted to Starbucks more than her so she had Blue Ivy drive her to the Starbucks corporate where she demanded her name be put on the drink. They both agreed to the Bey-Tea Lemonade because Yoncé fans will be anything that has to do with the queen of their Bey-hives.

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