Dearly Beloved, I Want The Peen, But I Hate Weed

· Updated on August 6, 2018

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from Michael Arceneaux, is a reader who wants to go from Ciara’s “Goodies” to Ciara’s “Body Party” with the new man in his life.

Unfortunately, despite spending so much time solo dolo and finally having someone in his life,  he still cannot shake concerns over his boyfriend’s penchant for marijuana.

What do you do if you want to get laid but can’t take your man smoking to get lit? ‘Round these parts, you puff-puff pass and still penetrate, but different strokes I suppose. Michael offers sympathy, but also a dose of tough love.

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

It’s a thing.


Dearly Beloved,

I moved out of my parents house because I got a job out of town. I am a 22 year old gay guy who had never even kissed anyone, not girl nor boy, so I was curious about the feeling of having someone who loves you right next to you.

I started using this gay dating app in which I met a beautiful Venezuelan guy. We met and we had a good conversation. I thought I could get alone with him and we could have things in common.

We kept connected during the day, and once a week I visited him and his mother cooked for us. He treated me very well.

Everything was OK ‘til I was at his home and he started smoking weed.

I don’t know what to do. If people find out I’m dating a guy it would be terrible and smoking weed here is illegal. If he gets caught up while I’m with him I would get in trouble, lose my job and let everyone know I was with him because he was my boy.

I don’t know how to break up with him because I don’t want to, but this weed stuff makes me feel anxious.

With Love,

Virgin Boyfriend

Dear Virgin Boyfriend,

I regret to inform you, but I took a hit of my vape pen before responding to this, and technically I don’t think it was legal. Are you judging me now? You better stop! It helps with my anxiety, love. Better than generic Celexa TBH.

Listen, as someone late to sex, I understand that you have met someone and really want to explore your sexuality with someone you fancy and feel comfortable with.. However, as someone also late to weed and living in Trump’s America, I refuse to condemn weed because weed has been vital in keeping me composed in this trash-ass country. I bet your boo thang can relate.

Having said that, I do not live in Venezuela and do not want communist problems so I want to respect your fears. Homosexuality may not be criminalized in Venezuela, but from my understanding, you aren’t exactly well protected either. Still, you want to choose your battles more wisely and I support it.

Ultimately, it sounds like you are not only uncomfortable with being openly gay, you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the job that has provided you financial independence. You can ask him to never have weed around you, but if that doesn’t work, you may not be able to be with him. I would not tolerate a partner telling me not to smoke weed. I’m no addict, but folks have a right to their vices and measures of self-care.

You sure you don’t want to be the living embodiment of “He like to roll the weed” on Beyoncé and Beyoncé’s husband’s “Apeshit?” If not you can turn on this old classic from TG4.

And then turn this on until you find a weed-less bae:

Good luck, love.



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