#NoNutNovember Is Dumb

· Updated on May 28, 2018

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Apparently, during the month of November, quite of few of y’all feel more like the latter. I knew that men partook in No Shave November, but as someone who spent a whole lot of money on laser hair removal because ingrown hairs are a byproduct of white supremacy or something, I cheered the other bearded baes and zaddies from afar. Now it looks like there’s another November-themed fast that I can’t wrap my hands around: No Nut November.

In “How Avoiding Sex and Masturbation Will Make You A Superhero This November,”Newsweek writer Kastalia Medrano breaks the NNN down for us clueless mortals who had no idea y’all were not about making masturbation great again this month. So apparently, No Nut November encourages men to go without masturbating throughout the whole month. The goal is purportedly that men will be “rewarded with a surplus of energy that, no longer wasted on sex, can be redirected into such benefits as physical well-being, mental clarity, and confidence around people they’re attracted to.”

Medrano notes that it’s “the same line of reasoning as to why athletes avoid having an orgasm before a big game.” What if you’re a passionate supporter of Colin Kaepernick’s politics and aesthetic? Or what if you don’t plan to be tackling anybody or punching someone out in the not too distant future? Nonetheless, if you slip up, there appears to be a three-strike forgiveness policy.

No Nut November is not to be confused with NoFap, though, which has a similar challenge this month albeit for a different audience: for those recovering from porn addiction.

But, as Medrano goes on to add, “A lot of NoFappers are responding to broader cultural concerns, like what they perceive as an oversaturation of porn or an addiction to dating apps like Grindr.” Insert “I FEEL ATTACKED!” here. And yes, feel free to laugh while holding your dick.

Although they have different intent, some do seem to share this underlying sentiment that you could be doing something better with your time than “beating your meat” as terrible men like to say. Indeed, a NoFapper named Alex recently explained to GayStarNews: “Ever since I stopped going on dating apps, I feel a lot happier. I decided whenever I wanted to jerk off I would study Spanish. Now I’m nearly fluent.’”

Well, gold star for you, Alex, but I’m not following the underlying logic presented here.

Before you suggest it, I am not celibacy shaming anyone. Nor am I masturbation-rejection shaming folks. I am a firm believer in people doing whatever works for them. Take for instance, Macklemore saying the nude painting of Justin Bieber in his home helps control his orgasms. One man’s “White man, what you just say?!” is another man’s “That sounds like a great idea, bro!”

Having said that, as someone who was once taught that masturbation was a form of adultery i.e. “Even more sin for you, you goddamn Godless sodomite!” this line of thinking triggers me.

Outside of classic R songs like “Touch Myself” and “Take Care,” masturbation often gets a bad wrap. Have I spent too much time jacking off? Yes. Could I have spent that time masturbating on matters most would deem more important like making a deadline? Surely.

Still, the idea that to curb human impulse will be rewarded with surplus energy, greater physical well-being, mental clarity, and greater confidence around folks you want to bone reads as silly ‘cause you can do all of that by actually masturbating.

Both Men’s Health Fitness, Planned Parenthood, and multiple studies have all confirmed the benefits of masturbating.

They include: releasing sexual tension; reducing stress; help you sleep better; improving one’s self-esteem and body image; help treat sexual issues; strengthen muscle tone in your pelvic and anal areas (so many folks just smiled at each or both for different reasons). Additionally, masturbation helps you fight prostate cancer; assists with helping fight erectile dysfunction; ups your immunity; helps you fuck longer. This all sounds amazing to me.

Like, don’t you want to beat cancer? Don’t you want to sleep better? Speaking of sleeping well at night, I am a Black man in Trump’s America who has managed to remain both alive and free as of this sentence. Aren’t I a superhero already? I don’t want to be Superman any damn way. His life seems too stressful (and I work in media!).

And lest we forget, masturbation has prevented us from doing some shit Lord knows we had no business even contemplating doing. You thots reading this know what’s up. Don’t front now.

Yeah, again, if this works out for you, I wish you well like Mariah Carey. However, if you saw some post from some self-righteous LGBTQSWV person on your Facebook feed as I did and were made to think you were some kind of nasty, trashy, sleazy, classless (obviously that’s referencing Destiny’s Child’s problematic “Nasty Girl”) person, fret not. I am here for you.

Maybe we could all stand to masturbate with a bit more moderation, but best believe, I’m going to keep on jacking off. I hate cancer and I love me, so masturbation continues to make so much sense for me. You’re welcome.

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