Sam Smith Reminds Me Of Every Man-Obsessed Friend I Have

· Updated on May 28, 2018

Recently, Sam Smith, who should be known more as the white Aaron Neville than the male Adele, had an interview with Ryan Seacrest, who is basically a blonde Dick Clark on adderall. Smith was promoting his new single, “Too Good at Goodbyes.”

If you are a fan of all things maudlin, the song is for you. During melanin-deficient Aaron Neville’s discussion with overly caffeinated Dick Clark, he revealed the track is about his most recent breakup. “This song I don’t want to say too much because I want to let the music speak it’s a song about a relationship I was in last year,” he explained. “It’s about getting good at getting dumped. I thought I was [good at it] when I wrote the song, but then it didn’t go to plan.”

Notice that he says “I don’t want to say too much” and then proceeds to say way too much.

Upon hearing this, I immediately wondered, “Why does he still sound so damn miserable? Bless his heart.”

Back in 2014, Smith spoke about the inspiration for the album In The Lonely Hour to various media outlets. Among them included The Fader, in which he said this: “In the Lonely Hour is about a guy that I fell in love with last year, and he didn’t love me back.” Yes, feel free to insert your version of “Bitch, I been there!” here.

“It feels good to have interviews like this, to chat about it and put stuff to bed,” Smith added. “It’s all there now, and I can move on and hopefully find a guy who can love me the way I love him.”

Well, we see how well that went. To wit, Sam continued to Seacrest, “I find this part of my job really difficult because my music is so personal.” Is anyone else getting tired? “It’s like a diary,” he added. “I’m very sensitive. … I couldn’t be any more single right now. I’m on the front lines.”

This is the part in which I got, as the kids would say, triggered. Because I share his pain? No. Granted, I’m single, too, but I don’t share Smith’s hobby of constantly moaning about not having a man. Different strokes, but I don’t want most of my soundbites modeled after the chorus of Toni Braxton’s “Another Sad Love Song.”

Sam Smith reminds me of the friends I have who cannot bear living this life alone. You know these friends. They obsess over having a man, and when they finally get one, they act like they hit the lotto and Uncle Sam forget to ask for his cut. When they lose that man, though, Lordy, everyone has to duck and pretend their phones fell into a coma.

To be fair to Smith, he did say this about the new project: “This album is not just about my relationships. It’s about some other stuff [too] it’s like looking through a photo album I [actually] feel really happy at the moment for the first time. I’m actually OK being single. I’m not too sad.”

Note that he “too sad,” which means to some extent he is still sad about being single, which suggests he’s probably not that okay with being single.

Again, Smith sounds like one of my friends who try to feign being fine with rolling solo dolo, but in reality, are sliding in every accessible DM they can find in order to return to a life of “Girl, not me, I got a man.”

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to be with someone, but when it comes to folks like this, do they not realize that in constantly bemoaning being alone, it keeps them alone even longer? Go for what you want, but very few people find individuals thirsty as fuck all that appealing. Somewhere, a few of my friends are reading this and thinking, “Is he talking about me or Sam Smith?!” I’m talking about all of y’all, sweetie.

Here’s the thing about being perpetually single: you have to do some serious soul searching to figure out exactly why you’re alone. For me, I reckoned with the fact that I attract unattainable men because for so long, I myself was unattainable and not nearly as interested in a relationship as I used to pretend to be.

Whatever your reason for being single is, here’s a helpful pro-tip: stop talking about it so much out loud. Have some dignity and cry in your pillows to Toni Braxton’s “Find Me A Man” like sensible folks. Sure, Sam Smith is a celebrity, and to an extent, as much as he professes his music to be personal, there are hints of schtick there. Years ago, Smith discussed writing songs for lonely people. Maybe it’s time for something new? Like, not telling people how much you struggle with not having a man.

This is why the music he makes sounds so monotonous. It’s also why despite selling great success in music, transforming his body in a way that seemingly makes him feel more comfortable, and having millions of fans, he sounds like a sad parrot. Sis, I get it, but buck the fuck up already. The same goes for the rest of y’all acting like him.

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