It’s been a long while since I’ve been a regular churchgoer, but God, if you’re reading this, might I borrow Moses’ old staff so I can go Old Testament (no shade, Jesus) and swat the shit out of a bunch of conservative evangelicals?
This week, The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood unveiled The Nashville Statement. Whose man is this? It’s some right-wing evangelical organization, so, by and large, a bunch of Jesus freaks who Christ wouldn’t fuck with. What do they want? Sadly, it is not a declaration imploring Shania Twain to make good on her desire to collaborate with Nicki Minaj.
Per their preamble, the group, which boasts of over 150 Christian leaders across the country, declares: “As Western culture has become increasingly post-Christian, it has embarked upon a massive revision of what it means to be a human being. By and large, the spirit of our age no longer discerns or delights in the beauty of God’s design for human life.”
Note that while organized religion is in decline among millennials, Christianity isn’t exactly headed towards the fate of the iPod or Phaedra Parks’ Bravo career anytime soon. But why let facts get in the way of folks’ precious tropes. Lord knows Christians like these folks like to feign persecution with their over dramatic asses. Bless their hearts.
In any event, this lil’ manifesto is a list of 14 beliefs dictating how things ought to be. In essence, they’re rejecting the actual history of marriage and science behind basic human sexuality because, in their deluded minds, the Lord gave us a vision of love and it was all that was given to us. The rest of the articles basically say stop having butt sex and stop quoting medical professionals who insist that there is indeed a difference between gender and whatever biological sex you were assigned at birth. That, and we’re all immoral.
Thankfully, folks with sense have promptly clapped back.
The mayor of Nashville tweeted her disapproval, arguing that the statement “is poorly named and does not represent the inclusive values of the city & people of Nashville.” Other Christian leaders have condemned the statement as well. Rev. James Martin, a noted Catholic priest, author, and adviser to the Vatican on communications, sent a rebuttal to the Washington Post. As a recovering Catholic, I’m fully aware that the Catholic Church continues to still harbor unfortunate stances on LGBTQ issues, but I will say they have the decency to not be like, “Y’all nasty asses going to hell” in 2017, unlike the missionary sex obsessed fucks who wrote this statement.
Moreover, there are plenty of other Christian organizations who have rejected the Nashville statement by unveiling their own like the Denver Statement, which is far more inclusive and thoughtful than the bigotry masquerading as a celebration of Christian doctrine in the other. Many others have released support of the LGBTQ community including more theologians, more Biblical scholars, and anyone who knows the Bible is full of allegory and idioms of that day that need to be uplifted. The reason why the Nashville statement was able to garner so much attention is not only are they highly mobilized, but many continue to allow these right-wing diet Christians to assume moral superiority.
In a press release, John Piper, co-founder of The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, called the Nashville Statement a “Christian manifesto” on human sexuality. “It speaks with forthright clarity, biblical conviction, gospel compassion, cultural relevance, and practical helpfulness,” Piper claims. “It will prove to be, I believe, enormously helpful for thousands of pastors and leaders hoping to give wise, biblical, and gracious guidance to their people.”
There have long been others out there arguing otherwise based on Biblical text. I’d personally like to throw a copy of Matthew Vines’ God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships at John Piper’s empty head or invite him to converse with ministers I’ve met that are actual theologians. They are not anti-gay or anti-trans and they do not obsess over a nuclear family that is birthed from the 1950s rather than the word of God. These are the Christian voices that need to be magnified, not the throwbacks.
Naturally, there is no equivalent of the Nashville Statement on racism, sexism, or poverty in America. Fighting to end poverty is more Jesus-like than worrying about me wanting to do what-what in somebody’s butt. They are charlatans much like that sweet potato colored president they fancy so much. You know, the serial cheater, unapologetic sexual abuser, defiant demagogue.
Why are people who voted for Minute Maid Mao allowed the space to continue flexing moral superiority? When is someone going to call them out? Seriously, how can I slide into God’s DMs to ask to hold a lightning bolt for a few minutes?
I’m a heathen now, so my concept of hell is iffy. But, if there is one, I hope every person who participated in The Nashville Statement goes directly there. And I hope the circle of hell they end up in is a bathhouse.
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