Be Afraid

News of a John Travolta and Katherine Heigl musical shakes the queer community to its core

Quick: did you know that John Travolta and Katherine Heigl were teaming up with cursed Green Book writer Nick Vallelonga to create a musical version of the 1955 drama Marty? Well now you do, and like the rest of us, you have to live with that knowledge.

Yesterday, while reporting on the upcoming musical That’s Amore!, Variety penned what might just be the final boss of all Variety headlines. Letting us know that the musical masterpiece is well underway, the source reported that Travolta and Heigl have already recorded seven songs from what is sure to be the straight world’s answer to Mamma Mia.

Then again, just how straight is it?

The memes, true to form, have been truly merciless so far, and with good reason; have we forgotten how awful the Green Book was, and how it won Best Picture anyway?

Apparently so. If ever there was a sentence designed to send the gays into a tailspin, it’s that seven songs from a musical NOT starring Idina Menzel and/or Kristin Chenoweth have been recorded recently, and without our consent.

Basically, we should all be running for our lives at this point.

How did we let this happen? How could this be? This is exactly the reason we should have cryogenically frozen Stephen Sondheim—as insurance against exactly this kind of event!

Choose your weapon and take cover: it’s imperative that we all stay safe from the novel virus that is That’s Amore!

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