Twitter Braces Itself for Fresh Hell as “New COVID” Trends

We’re five days into the new year and we’re looking down the barrel of yet another COVID variant. Is it any surprise? Not if you’ve been paying even the slightest amount of attention.

Despite everyone doing their darndest to pretend that COVID is a thing of the past, reality continues be…you know, real. And despite variant XBB.1.5 having a name like an Elon Musk lovechild, that sh*t is here and ready to mess things up in a big way. The new strain is so potent, it’s even been christened “the Kraken” variant by Canadian scientists.

The Kraken has been unleashed.

Four cases of new COVID-19 variant dubbed Kraken found in Alberta. #yeg #Yyc #ableg #covid19ab https://t.co/l7RSH5ZDCx

— Courtney Theriault (@cspotweet) January 5, 2023

Much as everyone would prefer for the Kraken not to be unleashed, XBB.1.5 is already here and she’s taking names.

new covid variant looks like the last few characters of the file name for a 720p DVD rip of THE DEPARTED torrented from pirate bay in 2007 pic.twitter.com/l6h3I3atUL

— manny (@mannyfidel) January 5, 2023

It’s almost as if our tried-and-true tactic of just ignoring the new variants and hoping they disappear isn’t working? How could this have happened. I’m shocked, SHOCKED to find that gambling is going on in here!

I miss the old COVID, straight from the nose COVID
that wear a mask COVID, that in the past COVID.
I hate the new COVID, the bad mood COVID
The always rude COVID, back in the news COVID.

— J.C. Howard ($11) (@TheJCHoward) January 5, 2023

We’re in for a rough start to the new year.

seeing “new COVID” trending in 2023 pic.twitter.com/Rnaf5q5ESe

— Amanda (@DuganAmanda) January 5, 2023

New COVID wasn’t market tested. It won’t last long. Worst idea since COVID Clear. It will rebrand as COVID Classic.

And then maybe we can finally get COVID Zero.

— 🤌🏾 Imani Gandy 👆🏾 (@AngryBlackLady) January 5, 2023

The good news is that if you haven’t been in total denial, all you have to do is keep on doing exactly what you’re doing. Wear masks indoors and in crowded outdoor areas, get tested regularly, and make sure you get new boosters as soon as they’re offered. If you’re like me, you’ll also be fortifying your immune system with a steady diet of memes. Something has to keep us laughing lest we break down crying in public (again!)

Old Covid looking at New Covid making its Debut pic.twitter.com/xj45YACZAi

— Michelle_in_KC (@MahomesMichelle) January 5, 2023

me seeing “new covid” trending only 5 days into 2023 pic.twitter.com/f4hDVXbngE

— ryan 🛸 (@OTCeIIy) January 5, 2023

old covid seeing new covid pic.twitter.com/sMdibASaiz

— Hari (@Heyhari_) January 5, 2023

We’re only five days into 2023 and people talking about there’s a New Covid
pic.twitter.com/AxTIfadSyt

— I have so many questions? (@english_shamar) January 5, 2023

Old Covid transforming into New Covid for 2023
pic.twitter.com/uevIn98LNl

— I have so many questions? (@english_shamar) January 5, 2023

When New Covid is trending and someone coughs on the train. pic.twitter.com/GwQtmfUD8Z

— Dapper Cardinal (Fancy Bird) (@GobertOrGoHome) January 5, 2023