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Everything We Learned From Lizzo’s “Rumors” Video

Imperator Lizzo has blessed us mere peons with a gift from on high: the video for her new song “Rumors” featuring Cardi B, and it’s wonderful. 

The “Rumors” video is great for all the reasons the song is: it’s high energy, body-positive, in-your-face, and it’s 100% bonafide vintage Lizzo. Remember when everybody was freaking out over quarantine because Lizzo went on a diet? Well, Lizzo sure hasn’t forgotten! The video, heavily inspired by the 1997 Disney classic Hercules, sees Lizzo in a flowing toga overseeing the nine muses, all of whom are big-bodied Black women. That’s not all: the images depicted on Grecian urns and statues are likewise Black and fat, transforming the ancient Greece we all think we know into a beautiful celebration of thickness. Welcome to the Lizzo-verse.

Lizzo then goes on to explain that “all the rumors are true” that have been circulating about her. We learn that:

-No, Lizzo hasn’t fucked Drake yet

Champagne Papi has yet to shoot his shot, and we’re all still waiting. 

-Last year, she thought she would lose it.

Extremely relatable, Lizzo. Remember how crazy everything got after Lizzo started drinking smoothies on TikTok? Everyone was like “omg has she fallen to DIET CULTURE??” The answer is no, she was just, like most of us, trying some new things out while everybody’s ass was stuck up inside their house for a cool 18 months. Chill out, people. Lizzo can do, and eat, whatever the hell she wants. 

-Last time Cardi B. “got freaky,” the FCC sued her.

Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch Cardi, but sure. The rapper–who appears in the video about 6 months pregnant with her and Offset’s second baby–is referring to the “thousands” of FCC complaints after her Grammy performance of “WAP” with Megan Thee Stallion back in April. 

 
 
 
 
 
View this post on Instagram
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A post shared by Cardi B (@iamcardib)

-Lizzo taught Cardi B. about “big girl coochie.” 

Okay here’s where things start to get extremely gay: we all know that Cardi B. is bisexual, as evidenced by that Normani video (and a lot of other things.) What we didn’t know is that Cardi wants to eat Lizzo out. Or at least, that’s what Lizzo said on Instagram!

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Lizzo (@lizzobeeating)

And finally,

-Lizzo never thought she was cool in high school

Once again, we stan a relatable queen! It just goes to show that even if the literal coolest person on earth can go through high school thinking they suck, high school opinions truly, TRULY mean less than nothing. Just remember: you’re going to graduate from that hell hole and then maybe in 5 or 6 years you’ll be singing and shaking ass with Cardi B. at the MTV Awards. I mean, we know it’s possible!

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