A Chess Player Was Accused of Cheating Using Vibrating Anal Beads. Here’s What Happened Next.

If you’re not up on the scintillating, dramatic world of professional chess…well, join the club. I watched “The Queen’s Gambit” like everybody else, but it was only today—when I learned of the curious case of the vibrating butt toys and the role they (allegedly) played in a high-stakes game—that my interest got officially piqued. 

Because boy, what a story it is. 

The tale begins last week, when chess champion Magnus Carlsen withdrew from a prominent game without any clear reason why. 

I’ve withdrawn from the tournament. I’ve always enjoyed playing in the @STLChessClub, and hope to be back in the future https://t.co/YFSpl8er3u

— Magnus Carlsen (@MagnusCarlsen) September 5, 2022

Carlsen posted the tweet after being beaten in a match by his competitor, 19-year-old American grandmaster Hans Niemann. And it didn’t take long for Twitter to blow up with suspicions and theories. The leading theory—oddly enough—centered around the idea that Niemann had somehow used anal beads equipped with AI technology set to vibrate in order to cheat during the match. 

Twitter wasn’t the only space where Niemann’s win was viewed with suspicion. Other chess champions viewed the unlikely win as a red flag, which made the drama quickly ramp up. Soon, the tale of the AI-enabled vibrating anal beads began to spread like wildfire, especially after Niemann admitted to cheating in previous matches.

Currently obsessed with the notion that Hans Niemann has been cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves. pic.twitter.com/F48BXjtBlN

— Babble (@Babble____) September 7, 2022

Even Elon Musk had something to say about it, before deleting a post implying that vibrating anal beads might, in fact, have worked in this instance. Technology: it’s truly a beautiful thing.

One of my girlfriends put this in our group chat (none of them play chess), and I’ve been giving context on chess ability to explain why people are suspicious and god bless them for hearing me out on the nerdy stuff when the primary interest here is obviously the anal beads. https://t.co/0Vbt8RyL1i

— Charlotte Clymer 🏳️‍⚧️🇺🇦 (@cmclymer) September 14, 2022

Obviously the “vibrating anal bead” part is what everyone’s talking about. For instance: how could this alleged technology be applied in other…perhaps…sexier ways? Others remain convinced that there is no scandal at all, and that the beads are strictly a work of fiction and wild conjecture.

Good god, people. There is no scandal. There is no evidence of cheating whatsoever. The vibrating anal beads thing is trolling from Elon Musk.

What happened is the most famous chess player on earth was beaten by a 19-year-old and now toxic fans are making that guy’s life hell. https://t.co/wZOPvfJXFx

— Paul McLeod (@pdmcleod) September 14, 2022

But as conjecture goes, boy oh boy is it entertaining.

The internet is fucking crazy. A drama breaks out, and within 72 hours there are theories ranging from “his team has a snitch” to “he is using vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess”

— GothamChess (@GothamChess) September 9, 2022

Has anyone written the headline “Vibrating Anal Beads Have Chess World Buzzing?” yet or can I have it?

— Pete Stegemeyer (@itspeterj) September 14, 2022

Vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess is competing for the top spot on my favorite conspiracy theories list.

— Lauren P (@TweetsByLP) September 14, 2022

THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET. hans neimann might not see your tweets, but your friends who cheat at chess with their vibrating anal beads will.

— the chessfeels podcast (@chessfeelspod) September 8, 2022