Notes on a Scandal

A Chess Player Was Accused of Cheating Using Vibrating Anal Beads. Here’s What Happened Next.

· Updated on September 15, 2022

If you’re not up on the scintillating, dramatic world of professional chess…well, join the club. I watched “The Queen’s Gambit” like everybody else, but it was only today—when I learned of the curious case of the vibrating butt toys and the role they (allegedly) played in a high-stakes game—that my interest got officially piqued. 

Because boy, what a story it is. 

The tale begins last week, when chess champion Magnus Carlsen withdrew from a prominent game without any clear reason why. 

Carlsen posted the tweet after being beaten in a match by his competitor, 19-year-old American grandmaster Hans Niemann. And it didn’t take long for Twitter to blow up with suspicions and theories. The leading theory—oddly enough—centered around the idea that Niemann had somehow used anal beads equipped with AI technology set to vibrate in order to cheat during the match. 

Twitter wasn’t the only space where Niemann’s win was viewed with suspicion. Other chess champions viewed the unlikely win as a red flag, which made the drama quickly ramp up. Soon, the tale of the AI-enabled vibrating anal beads began to spread like wildfire, especially after Niemann admitted to cheating in previous matches.

Even Elon Musk had something to say about it, before deleting a post implying that vibrating anal beads might, in fact, have worked in this instance. Technology: it’s truly a beautiful thing.

Obviously the “vibrating anal bead” part is what everyone’s talking about. For instance: how could this alleged technology be applied in other…perhaps…sexier ways? Others remain convinced that there is no scandal at all, and that the beads are strictly a work of fiction and wild conjecture.

But as conjecture goes, boy oh boy is it entertaining.


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