Match Made in Hell

6 Toxic Queer TV Couples That Needed to Break Up, Stat

Love can be a beautiful thing. It can also be a steaming pile of sh*t, and queer folks are hardly strangers to this unpleasant truth. That’s why we’ve made endless shows about the sublime pain of loving a fuccboi, or as the case may be, a fuccgirl or fucc-trans person. Whether you’re trying to feel better about a recent breakup or just want to take a leisurely stroll down memory lane, here are a handful of the queer TV couples we’re super glad called it quits.

Samantha and Maria, “Sex and the City”

In Season 3 of “Sex and the City,” just when we thought we’d seen all manner of sexual skullduggery from Samantha Jones, she up and found herself a hot lesbian painter to date for precisely six seconds. Not only does Sam surprise the gang by dating a woman, she reveals that she and Maria the painter are in a relationship, something that Sam is not known for getting into. This short-lived affair, however, doesn’t end well. When Samantha realizes that relationships—especially queer relationships—might at times involve more talking than f*cking, she’s out of there, and we never revisit the “Samantha Jones is a bisexual baddie” plotline ever again.

Jenny and Max, “The L Word”

It’s the relationship that made every cis lesbian terrified of dating a trans guy: when messy bisexual Jenny brings home trans man Max at the top of “The L Word” season 3, he seems like a pretty nice dude. Until he starts taking—SHOCKER!—testosterone, aka evil man juice that turns sweet butches overnight into horrible transmasc warlords!

At least, that’s the “L Word” writers’ room take on transmasculinity, and it remains burned on our brains forever. Max on T is violent, belligerent, and makes us actually feel bad for Jenny, which is no small feat.

Eric and Adam, “Sex Education”

Some people love the bully-to-lover trope: but when sweet angel Eric (Ncuti Gatwa) ends up dating Adam, the jerky jock who made most of his high school years hell in “Sex Education,” more than a few eyebrows were raised. Like…I’m sorry, how is Eric selling himself this short? Our king deserved (and still deserves) better. Hot tip: stop implying that every bully is a closeted queer who is secretly in love with the person they spend their time tormenting. Nobody wants this sick, sad fantasy!

Ian and Mickey, “Shameless”

Being an out-gay kid in highschool? Awesome. Having your first boyfriend be a skinhead? Less awesome. Obviously it’s hard for Ian Gallagher, the redheaded twink of the “Shameless” family, to find any real self esteem or stability inside such a deeply chaotic family, but did he have to go for Mickey, who (at least in early seasons) hides behind his homophobic bluster to avoid being outed? The fact that Ian is forced to watch some truly horrible things happen to Mickey is par for the course, since nothing but horrible things happen on this show. But come on, can Ian catch a break in the love department?

Agustín and Frank, “Looking”

Okay, there are so many problems off the bat with these two. First off, Agustín is a pretentious sad sack who needs to drag his hot, amazing boyfriend Frank through the mud of his own insecurity every chance he gets. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Agustín asks Frank to have sex with someone else so that he, Agustín, can make art! And then tries to gaslight Frank out of feeling used. If you’re like me, your heart absolutely bounded when Frank finally told his ex off in no uncertain terms. “I’ve been nothing but supportive of your sh*t,” Frank says, “and you’ve been lying to me since you moved in.” If ever a man deserved to be dumped on top of a mountain, it’s Agustín.

Sarah and Literally Everyone, “Transparent”

Remember this total trash fire of a show? If so, then you’ll probably have no trouble recalling that it’s mostly about Sarah Pfefferman being a messy bisexual tour de force. Cheating on her husband with her lesbian ex? Check. Ditching said ex on the morning of their wedding? Absolutely. Having a throuple situation with her ex-husband and Alia Shawkat? Of course! All of it is just too messy and too much, and that’s without even getting to what happens with Gaby Hoffmann’s character!

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