Here’s the Captain America and Bucky Romance We Deserve — In ‘The Sims 4’

If you’re as invested in general faggotry as I am, then at one point you’ve considered that perhaps everyone in The Avengers is gay. Except Hawkeye. But I am not Joss Whedon — nor am I a Marvel executive who has even one iota of power to suggest that Captain America and Bucky Barnes finally admit their bisexuality and go to poundtown.

To accomplish that goal, INTO decided to have me sit down and make Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes go full on Sammi and Ron and live together in a house until they can’t help the sexual tension any more.

It turned out to be fun, but not that hard. Except for the fact that when the Rogers-Barnes’s moved in, their neighbors showed up like fruit flies on the Trader Joe’s apples I bought and swore I’d eat before they rotted. (I deemed a red-haired neighbor who showed up unannounced “Black Widow.”)

It’s kinda fun to see what Sims talk about when they’re flirting. Steve was talking about a police car, which I hoped was to bring up our nation’s problem with police brutality and Bucky responded by talking about … cupcakes. Honestly, same.

After that, their courtship followed a totally normal, masc4masc trajectory. Captain America sexy posed for Bucky, the two had a first kiss by a lamp and then Steve had the sudden urge to use the restroom.

And hey, they even flirt by gossipping about babies, which is great because not all babies are cute!

I won’t say whether or not they get down to business — watch the video to find out — but I do go into a bunch of theories about topping and bottoming between the two.

And if there are two lessons I can impart on you after all this, it’s that the forced heterosexuality of the Captain America films is silly and don’t sleep with someone who does push ups after sex.