Clarkisha Explains: Titties, Dating, and Ambien, Oh My!

Guess who’s back with the Thursday shenanigans and tomfoolery?

Indeed. It is Thursday once again and unlike other Thursdays where I would take the entire space to tackle some serious (or not so serious) topic of that week, it is the LAST Thursday in the month. And for end-of-the-month Thursdays, I decided I wanted to open the column opened up to questions.

And being as today is the last Thursday of my favorite month in the year, today is that day. Now, I’ll add that I got plenty of good questions sent to my inbox (and I thank all of you!), but in the interest of time—and also due to the fact that some of them were very serious (which is welcome) and deserve much longer answers—I obviously could not answer them all today and will be saving some of them for next month.

That said, sit back, relax, and enjoy the mischief as I get comfortable in the hot seat:

As someone who lives at multiple intersections, how do you balance the struggles between defending (and honoring) your Blackness and queerness when sometimes those two things have the potential to be volatile towards each other?

– TJ

Okay if I’m understanding correctly (I promise I can read LOL), your question is asking how do I manage multiple identities (like queerness and Blackness), that have the potential of conflicting with each other? And if this is the question, it’s a good one.

Honestly? It’s a constant balancing act—and one that is also complicated by the fact that I also ID as a woman (and even that is its own thing that I continue to ponder). Sometimes, depending on the day, I can be really feeling one part of my ID over the others and instead of shying away from that, I lean into it. And just exist.

Ironically, though, in the not-so-distant past, I was someone who subscribed to Black first politics and believed that people see “see my Blackness first” before anything else but over the last couple of years, I can’t agree with that anymore and I take the same stance with my other IDs. One is not inherently more important than the other and since I am literally all these things at once, it’s not like I can ignore them.

As for how they may conflict? Chilllllleee. Don’t get me started. All the tales I have about being asked to choose sides would keep me here until literally next week.

I will say that that concern is real though and societal and community bigotry force them to conflict even when they necessarily shouldn’t. I definitely want to explore this more during Pride month as it concerns Blackness and Queerness.

Why we still pretending we don’t love tiddies? You gon’ eat whatever booty I give you and you gon like it because all of us can’t afford new hips? So what’s up?

– Mercedes

My good sis. As a holder and possessor of DDDXYZ cups, this is an excellent question. But my question to you is, where all of these titties slanderers are so I can personally box them? Who among us is the uncultured swine that does not enjoy all the things that succulent titties have to offer?

SHOW YOURSELVES

On a more serious note, anyone who pretends to hate titties probably bites their kit kat bar sideways and steps on Legos for fun and cannot be trusted. Now, if it’s because they prefer cakes more, that’s a tough one there. I personally am a gluttonous ass Taurus who wants it all and always ideally would like both.

But if I were ever to choose…? Well…

So. What do you think about Roseanne’s excuse that Ambien is the magical, unicorn pill that enables racism?

– Michael

First of all, it honestly doesn’t matter what I think because Ambien’s parent company Sanofi released the soundest and quickest clapback to Roseanne’s bullshit that I seriously had to ponder who was more savage between them and good ol’ Dictionary.com—whose social media is fucking lit, by the way.

Secondly, if my thoughts were to matter in regards to those comments, I would say that White people will literally blame everything else for their racism but…their racism/racism beliefs. Although, I will say it is a trend I’ve noticed with specifically White women lately. First, it was Rose McGowan blaming her “woman is the n_____r of the world comments on smoking a J. Now Roseanne thinks fancy sleeping pills are to blame for her racist outbursts.

Lol.

It’s funny. And just speaks to the tendency of White supremacist and White [supremacist] media to coddle bigots like Roseanne and their supposed “economic anxiety” which is bullshit for “I am very racist and I cannot handle change that does not center me or put me at the top of the privilege pyramid where I think I belong, but yes, go ahead and say this nicely”. Though in the case of Roseanne, I would definitely add transphobia, homophobia, and Zionism on that list of things that she and people like her are “economically anxious about.

Grape, strawberry, or other. What’s the best jelly pairing for peanut butter?

Sorry, what was that? My inner Kindergartner was just having PTSD war flashbacks to spirited debates on the playground and at lunchtime over the validity of strawberry versus grape jam/jelly.

I tell you, this question has never brought me peace, because it is a question that even divides my own family. My Nigerian parents swear by strawberry jam and preservatives while like 75% of my siblings wouldn’t even sniff a PB sandwich that didn’t have grape jam on it.

As for me, for a long time, I too was firmly in the strawberry camp. I put that shit on everything. PBJ sandwiches. Regular sandwiches. Toast. Normal bread. Mrs. Winners’ biscuits. KFC’s imposter biscuit-life. Assassin-approved Popeyes biscuits. Cake. Pie.

I had a sickness. And it was called strawberry jam.

This, of course, changed when my roommate Darth Silo put me on apricot jelly. And as bougie-lite as my homeskillet is, I was so prepared for that shit to taste like some stuff that fell out of Asgard or Pegasus’ butt crack, but honestly, I was pleasantly surprised.

So, in short: strawberry on a normal day and apricot if a bitch is feeling fancy and extra gay.

The answer is yes.

Is it just me or is dating/approaching women universally different than that with men? Like, with men I feel like I have to be ready to choke or shank him on command? With women, I’m like “hi yes hello the world is awful you poor creature you must be terrified let me buy you snacks”. Thoughts?

– JL

It’s not just you! I actually covered this in my first piece for Into and talked at length about how discombobulating it was to go from dating cis men who have the personality of toast to dating other people who in most cases qualify as an upgrade.

But to answer your question here, it definitely is different. Because society is so heterosexual and all the “dating cues” you probably picked up prior to this point skewer cishet as well, a lot of us are always WOEFULLY unprepared when it comes to dating other genders/queer fox.

In my experience, it has been the most awkward shit ever because I’m still learning about myself and what I like. It’s so tough sometimes that I have become so passive in certain situations. Like unless the woman is like super overt with her interest, I’m okay with being friends. Or colleagues. Or whatever.

But of course, even that can get confusing after you’ve been on your 3739949282839 friend date and homegirl turns to you and asks: “So, what are we?”

I am Jack’s utter shock and confusion.

And that’s it for today! If you like this format and want it to continue, think I should shake it up, or you have your own questions you want me to take a crack at, feel free to ping ya girl at [email protected] or on the intersection of I Hate BuzzThief Boulevard and Drake, Take The L Lane on Twitter at IWriteAllDay_.