Dearly Beloved, I Fell For The Guy Who Catfished Me

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, our dear reader encountered a problem many face while searching for companionship on Al Gore’s internet: he was catfished. However, instead of getting rid of the person who misled him while yelling something about a “fat ass Kelly Price” or “lambskin” or something from that MTV show, he continues to engage him. But surprise, surprise, the deceit continued, although there is some connection our dear reader can’t shake. Now, he wants to know what to do about it.

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

It’s a thing.

Dearly Beloved,

Aight, so boom right…I met this dude 10 years ago via AOL chat rooms. He’s from the Gulf Coast. We exchanged pics then months later he reveals to me that he sent a fake pic. He didn’t think he’d fall for me and it was all a joke. So, I told him in order for me to believe him, he’d have to send me a HS proof. I’m sure you remember when taking HS pictures, your name was always written on the bottom.

So he does that and then we move forward. He lied about being in a relationship when he didn’t have to. He would disappear [and] then come around, and after interrogating him, he told me that he was in a relationship. I never understood why he had to lie smh. I wanted him to come up to visit me and he always had excuses. I went to MS to visit him. It was a cool visit. I wanted him to come see me and it’s been 5+ years [of asking him to].  

Fast forward 5 years later, my mom passed and I’ve really, really been MIA. So, he texts me asking how I’m doing. We have this banter, this back and forth that we’ve been doing for all these years. I’ve become distant really and I’ve blocked him, but I find myself blocking and unblocking him. I always have hope that our friendship will evolve, not into a relationship but a good friendship. I had feelings for him. I definitely was attracted to him.  

But we argue so much. He thinks it’s because I can’t let go of the past. I guess it’s a love/hate relationship… what do you think?

Signed,
Hopeful…

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Dear Hopeful,

I didn’t anticipate becoming the narrator of a very special edition of Catfish. I usually only deal with catfish during the holiday with hot sauce and maybe wheat bread if I am putting my body dysmorphia in rice. But, here we are.

Believe it or not, I can understand the concept of falling for someone based on the connection forged after a period of conversation. Those types of connections don’t happen everyday, so again, theoretically I get how you could fall for someone so deeply that a deceptive act might not completely soil the bond made. However, the deception in question has nonetheless established a pattern.

For whatever reason, it sounds like the person you are concerned about is uncomfortable about something, and thus is unable to be completely honest with you. It’s one thing to lie about the picture. I don’t like it, but you let it go and continued conversing with him. Such was your right.

But, he went on to lie about being in a relationship. He very well could have his reasons, but he remains a lying ass liar. Moreover, you managed to travel to see him yet he couldn’t return the favor. None of this is fair to you.

Even so, you need to be honest with yourself, too.

I think you want more than a “good friendship” based on your explanation of the relationship and your reactions to the ways he has damaged it. So, ask yourself a few questions. Like, is he ready to be completely honest with you now? If so, can you stop holding the past against him so long as he can be honest with you? Ultimately, though, the larger question is can he give you what you want from him?

If he can’t, you need to process and then correct the issue however you see fit. I wish I could tell you that it will be easy for you to walk away from this, but we both know how untrue that is. I know from experience. It stings to find someone you know is the perfect fit if only he will just admit it to you and himself. But if they can’t, it will only torture you. I think you know that, too.

It’s time to do some real evaluation and preparation. Best of luck. Oh, and by the way, on behalf of Gulf Coast men, my apologies.

Signed,

Beloved!