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Dearly Beloved, I Have Libido Without Love

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, our dear reader is reeling after the end of a five year relationship. He wants to find a release, but he is noticing some things won’t pick up without a particular feeling first. Bless his heart and his parts.

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

It’s a thing.

 

Dearly Beloved,

I broke up with my boyfriend after five years. I try and use Grindr to meet people, but I find it difficult to get an erection with a stranger.

I’m only 27 and attractive. But, I can’t open up and get that feeling that I had with my ex. Has my sex drive died along with my ex’s relationship?

K.

Dear K.,

I love that you wrote “I’m only 27 and attractive.” In my mind, you were laying across a couch with immaculate lighting — think Mariah Carey in the confessional reality show on E! that we like to pretend never happened, but for argument’s sake here, we’ll revisit. Please tell me that’s exactly how it went down; lie to me if you need to.

Anyhow, aww, aren’t you precious? Well, if Pimp C were writing this column, he’d call you a “simp.” However, you’re in luck because I am more like Bun B, and thus a wee bit more sympathetic to your plight.

Actually, my preferred scenario for a sexual eruption sounds a lot like what you have in mind. We’re basically the main theme of Ariana Grande’s catalog: do ho shit with heart. You want the lovey dovey to drive your sex drive. The connection matters most.

Here’s what I would suggest: if you truly need a release, I think you should try to step out of your comfort zone — but only at your own pace. I have worked to be better about not idealizing sex and it helped my dick become far less dusty. If that’s what you want, push it until you get it right (and then Google Tisha Campbell’s “Push” and honor your elders). You’re only used to getting an erection one way, but there are others, and don’t deprive yourself by trying to live up to some ideal.

That said, if you discover that ultimately you prefer sex with someone you are in love with, that is absolutely okay, but you have to adjust accordingly. I suggest you masturbate, meditate, and continue crying out to vintage Mariah Carey.

Signed,

Beloved!


Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux writes the “Dearly Beloved” advice column at INTO. He is the New York Times bestselling author of the newly released I Can't Date Jesus from 37 Ink/Atria Books/Simon & Schuster. His work has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Rolling Stone, Essence, The Guardian, Mic, and more. Follow him on Twitter.