In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, a reader in the closet is missing a man who doesn’t seem to be paying him much mind these days, or even in recent years. As hard as it is to let go of someone you care about, at what point do you learn to see that sometimes it’s better to be alone than lonely in a relationship that largely exists within the confines of your imagination?
If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at firstname.lastname@example.org with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!
It’s a thing.
I am writing to you to hopefully find the answer I’m looking for. I am a closeted guy and I met this guy three years ago in a gay dating app. I was on the app not looking for anything or anyone. I was mainly using it to get on and get off with dudes.
I met this guy there who kept bugging me to talk to him and meet him. He was far away from my location (him in LA, me in Anaheim). We talked for a while and we really kicked it off so we decided to meet. We met each other in the middle so neither of us would have to drive too far. I completely fell for him. It was love at first sighting.
We talked about everything. I felt very comfortable talking to him as we both opened up about everything. Finally, after almost two hours of talking in the parking lot, we kissed, and to my surprise, he asked me to be his boyfriend. I immediately said yes since it was the first time someone had told me this — even if I wasn’t looking for a partner. I remember how happy and excited I was to have someone.
Weeks went by and we continued talking. We would keep meeting up and although we kissed, sex never happened. It was in our minds, but we were waiting for a moment that never came. Anyways, this went on for months until he stopped texting or calling — claiming he was too busy. I respected his decision since he was super busy because of his occupation so I didn’t bug him.
He told me he loved me and that he missed me, but his texts and calls grew shorter and shorter each passing day. He still calls me and texts me (after 3 years) that we’re a thing even though we haven’t seen each other in two years. I have done my best to forget him and not think of him, but it is extremely difficult to do so since I really fell for this guy. I feel like I love him, but it’s not there anymore. He still calls and send me texts, telling me he wants me, but… I don’t think it’s ever going to happen between us. Should I forget him and move on from everything that reminds me of him or what should I do? I feel like if I lose him I’d lose a piece of me as well, but I don’t think this is healthy anymore…plz help me.
From the inside
Dear From the inside,
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have an internet buddy that you are sexually attracted to who you want to pretend you are in a real relationship with because you are longing for companionship but are struggling to find it from the closet. I don’t say that to be harsh. While I don’t pity you, I do feel hurt for you and your situation.
The inconvenient truth is that because you are not out, your options will always be limited with regards to the kind of companionship you so clearly desire. That doesn’t mean you cannot find a real boyfriend, someone who loves you and will give you all of the attention that you need in spite of your current status about your sexuality, but it is far more difficult to find something of substance from a space of secrecy. I imagine you have your reasons as to why you are not out, so while I encourage you to get “TO FREEDOM” and live your life out loud, I respect that everyone finds that on their own time.
In the meantime, you need to be more realistic about where you are.
Having said that, with respect to this guy: Let it go, frozen Keyshia Cole. Let it go. Again, this is not your man. This is a man who cannot give you the commitment you are longing for. A person saying just enough to keep your interest, but refusing to really put in as much into the situation as you do. And he knows he can get away with this because he knows that you want to feel something real so much that you will treat this Costco sample he’s giving you like it’s a Golden Corral buffet. Seriously, you haven’t seen this man in how long? Take the hint. Aim higher.
Believe me, I know what this is like, but trust me when I tell you that it only ends with you continuing to suffer before ultimately being heartbroken about something you’ve never had. In fact, I want you to do two things for me: get rid of this dude, and turn on Mary J. Blige’s “The Love I Never Had.”
Move on and find something that’s truly yours.