Dearly Beloved, I Miss His Big Dick Energy (But Not His Big Dick)

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, a very descriptive reader laments about an old flame with a very large penis that appears to play very well with others. He doesn’t miss the dick per se. He misses its proud owner and the energy he carries with it.

In theory, this should be a no-brainer, but you know how some of y’all get when you meet a man you know ain’t no good for you yet you keep your happy ass around anyway. So, what should he do with the dude whose dick is apparently too-too bomb? Well, besides saying the rosary for his asshole.

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

It’s a thing.

Dearly Beloved,

I’m 24 and I’m from the suburbs outside of NYC and I’m in love with this guy from some “West Bubble Fuck” area in New Jersey. He’s 29 and has his life somewhat together; however, I can’t trust him. We went out for a few months and I had the best time of my life with him, but my asshole wasn’t happy with his dick size.

Well, his dick is like ten inches long, very thick and I’m just not trying to have a gaping asshole.

The times when I’ve taken enough muscle relaxers, the sex was great, especially the time that we were fucking on the balcony of our hotel suite — that was definitely porn scene material.

Haha. Anyway, after a while having sex with him just became unbearable and I couldn’t manage. He wants to have sex spontaneously and would randomly pull over asking if we could fuck in the car right now. However, having sex with him for me has to be planned so that I won’t feel uncomfortable, but he hated that.

One day I was going through his phone and I saw that he was messaging other guys and meeting up for sex, so I broke up with him.

Time after time, he would hit me up saying he misses me and blah blah, but the truth is that I miss him, too, and not for his dick.

A year later we met up in Manhattan and we hung out, it was clear that he’s been to the gay bars there a lot because a lot of cheap skanks kept coming up to him and left when they saw me with him. The bar scene in NYC was new to me since I never really cared to go before; however, I did learn that I should never wear anything designer to the Ritz again. I even lost my Louis Vuitton bracelet there, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was even stolen.

Anyway, he wants to get back together now, but I think it’s pointless because I can’t handle his dick but I still have feelings for him. What should I do? Please help me…

Best,

Oyster Bay Hunty

—

Dear Oyster Bay Hunty,

First off, my condolences to you for living in the suburbs. Just kidding. You have space and presumably centralized air, so I’m hating.

Having said that, you just gave a whole lot in one letter so give yourself a round of applause (shawty make that ass clap) for being the absolute most. No, really. You’re giving me Blanche Devereaux’s thirsty-ass grandson. Compliment!

Moving on, let me make sure I got everything right. You met this man who lives in the middle of nowhere with a huge dick that you need a muscle relaxer to enjoy? And even when you do relax-relate-release every single muscle imaginable, you fear that his big ass dick will ultimately have you walking around looking like a donut (shout out to Shipley’s)? On top of all of this, the dude is hitting up other men to smash — a fun fact you only realized after going through his phone?

Did I get all of that right? Spoiler: I did. To that end, this particular problem isn’t my area of expertise, but after recalling my horrific attempt at bottoming and consulting your fellow brethren, we have reached an accord: find some new dick.

You have admitted yourself that you can’t handle his dick, not to mention that he seems to want it anytime, anyplace and is unwilling to be more accommodating to you and your asshole. This ain’t a riddle, beloved. This dude isn’t for you.

Find a dick that you feel more comfortable about being inside of you; sex is supposed to help curb anxiety, not literally drill more into you. Moreover, find a dick that you don’t have to share like you’re in an Uber Pool. As for your bracelet, yeah, some gay probably stole that shit. Pay more attention to your surroundings — and try another bar when you go seek out a new penis to sit on.

Best wishes to you and your butt in the future, sir.

Signed,

Beloved!