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Dearly Beloved, I Want My Straight Friend

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, a reader has crossed the line with his friend who identifies as straight but has nonetheless had some sexual eruptions with his gay homeboy. Look, it happens. Many of us have been there; some of us still take field trips there even though we oughta know better at our ages. If you feel a way about a select portion of that statement, take yourself to the nearest vet, hit dog.

 

After showing his straight friend what that mouth do, our dear reader has caught feelings. Stop rolling your eyes. Life happens. What do you when you develop romantic feelings for your straight platonic friend you have done sexual things with? Turn on some Anita Baker and cry through it, sure, but can anything else be done? There's really only one other option and he sure better give it the best that he’s got (baby). Question is: will he do it and face whatever comes next head on?

 

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

 

It's a thing.

 

Dearly Beloved,

 

I'm friends with this guy who happens to be straight. We have been friends for a while now and I love him in a platonic way. However, recently we've been getting physically intimate with each other (but no proper sex involved). But the thing is, we've done things to each other that I personally consider to be exclusive for a committed relationship.

 

So my question is how do I deal with developing romantic feelings for a straight guy who currently reciprocates back my affection?

 

Sincerely,

Straight Chaser

 

Dear Straight Chaser,

 

So what you’re saying is you got a new boy and that [redacted] trade? May Magnolia Shorty continue to rest in peace, and his forced Houston accent aside, shout out to fine ass Drake for keeping her memory alive on Scorpion. Now back to you and this vintage talk show predicament you have found yourself in.

 

While I understand that you may feel that the two of you have done things to each other that you believe are exclusive to a committed relationship, you’re not in one with him now -- yet those acts have happened all the same. That suggests he may not feel the same way as you about what the performing of such acts signifies. As I once explained to my friends about someone who overstated his value, “He was a mouth.” And maybe you’re not as hung up on doing certain things in committed settings as you think you are -- which would be more than fine (enjoy yourself).

 

Meanwhile, though he may indeed be reciprocal with you in terms of expressing affection, that doesn’t necessarily mean he is capable of developing romantic feelings for you — or even interested in trying. After all, he identifies as straight. Even if you tip him in one direction on the Kinsey scale, that doesn’t mean he has any interest in being biddy-da-dum, boo'd up with you, beloved. Yes, some relationships start off with two people as friends, but they tend not to be a gay dude and a straight man.

 

I would love it if you wrote back and said this straight man has decided to be bae so I can immediately encourage you to cue up “Blow” and skip to the part where Beyoncé and Timbaland talk about turning that cherry out, but this is giving me more “Me, Myself & I” vibes.

 

So yeah, chances are slim (not slim thick, just slim) that he will want to explore the romantic side with you, but I suppose one never knows. Maybe he dares to try something even newer with you. Maybe he will hear what you confess and decide that he wants to keep the friendship with the new meal plan as it stands. Or maybe he will want to go back to being totally platonic. There is no confirmation without conversation. You need to go ahead and have it now because the longer you wait, the deeper you will fall and it’s not clear at all how that will impact you and your friendship with him. Unfortunately, the two of you have crossed a line that only one of you may be willing to continue walking past.

 

To that end, before you do talk, truly prepare yourself for all possible scenarios. You say you love him in a platonic way, so the question is does that platonic love supersede these newer romantic feelings that have developed in light of you two becoming physical? If so, this friendship can be salvaged. If he can’t do that, run, bitch, run. It would hurt in the interim, but as the reality stars often say, at the end of the day it would be what’s best for you.

 

Regardless, you need to have romantic feelings for someone who can return the favor. We all deserve that. In the future, though, keep your mouth off of your friends, especially the straight ones. There are other dicks and cheeks in the sea.

 

Signed,

Beloved!


Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux writes the “Dearly Beloved” advice column at INTO. He is the author of the forthcoming book I Can't Date Jesus from Atria Books/Simon & Schuster. His work has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Rolling Stone, Essence, The Guardian, Mic, and more.

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