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Dearly Beloved, Should I Wait For Old Bae to Unblock Me?

In this week’s Dearly Beloved, the advice column from author Michael Arceneaux, our dear reader can’t get over the older man who picked him up and then promptly tossed him back. He seems to think the man will someday come back. Spoiler: he won’t, so it’s another day for tough love, beloveds.   

If you want Michael’s advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start your letter with Dearly Beloved!

It’s a thing.

And yes, the holiday season is upon us, so please send us your holiday-related questions!

 

Dearly Beloved,

So, yeah, I had a relationship with a guy who is old enough to be my dad, but not enough to be my gramps, for about five months. Things began when I met him last February. We started texting and then I set up a date with him within a week. When we met, I completely fell in love with him. We became boyfriends the next day after our date.

He was on a business trip at the time, though, so I could only spend two weeks with him. I ignored all the bad signs that indicated this relationship could get kinda blurry and dangerous. He returned to his country and we often texted each other saying stuff like “I love you,” like a normal couple would do. Time went by, but by the time my birthday arrived, I was struck by a series of bad things.

He ignored me on my birthday. I tried calling him and even left a hint the day before, but it didn’t seem to work. I was broken, but I tried not to show it too much. Then three days later, he came at me so furiously and angry, saying my friends insulted him and made him mad. I asked him for an [explanation], but he just told me to leave him alone. I waited. For about five months. I never got a proper answer, though I texted him, [telling him] I loved him, and apologized.

I doubt him and even doubt my friends, but eventually I couldn’t hold my anger against them for too long. Then he blocked me on all of the things I used to contact with him: Facebook [and] WhatsApp. He came so fast and then went away just as quickly. I was devastated. Life just collapsed.

Now I’m still confused about [if] I should move on or just try to wait for his anger to calm down? I have tried dating a few guys, but I [am] afraid to be hurt again [and] the good memories [of him] just keep coming back and torturing me.

I know this is long and [I] really thank you for spending your time reading this. I hope you could help me figure out my next steps. It was my first relationship so I’m still new to this.

NH

Dear NH,

Respectfully, you managed to say a lot without saying enough to paint a full picture, but I think I got the gist of this all the same. You met an older man, immediately connected to him, and had a whirlwind relationship that was long distance and quickly dissolved for reasons not totally clear to you. Did I get that right? (I did.)

I’m not entirely sure what role your friends played in the fallout of your relationship with Old Bae, but the end result is this older man quickly disposing of you and blocking you from all forms of communication. The next steps are pretty clear: as I keep telling you thots (term of endearment in this instance), let it go, Keyshia Cole. Or let it go, Frozen, if that’s too much of an “urban adult contemporary” reference for you.

You’re asking me if you should wait on someone who seems to not want to deal with you. There is nothing to wait on. He told you to leave him alone, and since you didn’t follow instructions, he blocked you. Note, you claim the man is old enough to be your pops but not your pop-pops; he may not be dating-Blanche-Devereaux-in-the-afterlife age, but he’s old enough to know what he wants. It’s not you. I’m sorry.

While I understand you explaining why it is difficult for you to move on, it’s about time you make more of an effort. Again, he blocked you. He’s probably not going to cool down, and even if he did, why would you want to be with anyone with that hot a head that late in his life?

I don’t write any of this to be judgmental or to make you feel any smaller than he made you feel. Many of us can look back on your lives and can reflect on some person or persons who we couldn’t let go of despite them throwing us away (or never picking us up to begin with). Since this is your first stab at a relationship, the wounds are particularly fresh and its implosion will be with you forever.

I get it, but you need to move on all the same. There is no secret formula to successfully moving on other than you doing so. It doesn’t make the pain completely go away, but it’s what you need to do in order to get what you truly want. Take your time if need be, but to get over a broken heart, you have to learn to open it up again.

And fuck him, for the record.

Signed,

Beloved!


Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux writes the “Dearly Beloved” advice column at INTO. He is the New York Times bestselling author of the newly released I Can't Date Jesus from 37 Ink/Atria Books/Simon & Schuster. His work has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Rolling Stone, Essence, The Guardian, Mic, and more. Follow him on Twitter.