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Here’s Why You Should Stop Having Sex With That Ex

In this week’s Hola Papi!, the advice column by writer, Twitterer, and prolific Grindr user John Paul Brammer, a reader writes and tbh he probably should have listened to Dua Lipa before asking for advice but alas.

Anyway. Our dear reader broke up with his boyfriend for some very good reasons, but now they are still friends AND still having sex. Oy vey. And he’s needing advice on whether he should continue down this path or cut him off entirely, because dear ex-boyfriend is still not good for him.

Thank goodness our very own Hola Papi got a PhD in the subject area of: Men you shouldn’t date.

If you want his advice, just email him at [email protected] with your question. Just be sure to include SPECIFICS, and don’t forget to start out your letter with Hola Papi!

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Hola Papi!

My boyfriend of a year and a half and I just broke up, and I’m not sure what to do. He wants to still be friends but we’ve been broken up for a month now and still have sex, and I still love him.

I’m not sure if I should cut him off or stay in touch in the hopes that he comes back because when we broke up he said it was to work on ourselves. We have had problems in the relationship, like me choosing my friends over him or like when I almost cheated on him with my ex.

I’ve been friends with this girl for six years now and she has always been there for me, so I wanted my ex and her to meet and get along. They have similar personalities but always seemed to clash, and when they would I would always take her side. I did this for about a year while in the relationship until I finally started putting him first.

To explain the time I almost cheated on him, my ex messaged me out of the blue and said he wanted to have a threesome with his fiancé and me and so I said yes. I never actually went, but I had intended on going. Eventually my ex found out and we had a serious conversation. Now I would never eventhink of cheating, but I was going to because I didn’t value relationships then as much as I do now.

The problems weren’t just on my side. We had a break, and when we got back together I went through his phone and found pictures of another guy on there and we were in a committed relationship so I was obviously upset. He said he met the guy online during the break and hadn’t talked to him since and he just forgot to delete the pictures.

A little while later, I went through his phone again and found two dating apps on his phone, Hot or Not and Plenty of Fish. He said he was using them to find friends since I’m too jealous for him to meet people any other way.

Now that we’re broken up, my friends tell me I should just cut all contact with him, but I still love him and want to stay in touch so he can remember that he loves me and come back. But I feel like he’s just going to move on and I’m going to hurt all over again. What should I do?

Signed,
Missed Disconnection

Hi, Disconnection!

You should cut off contact with this guy and work on yourself. There’s a lot going on here, and none of it is positive. To say there are red flags here would be an understatement. This is an Olympics Opening Ceremony’s worth of flags, which are red.

So, first of all, stop having sex. Dua Lipa did not carry the New Rules down from Mount Sinai for you to be getting under him instead of over him. This is 101 stuff right here.

Second of all, him regularly clashing with your friends, and you viewing those clashes as a matter of “taking sides” instead of determining who is in the right or wrong, is a bad sign for the relationship. Sure, there is a point where skirmishes might make us evaluate our priorities in our lives and which relationships we value most. But here it just sounds like you’re shuffling around a MySpace top eight (do you kids remember that? Can I make that reference) which is Not Good.

Third of all, characterizing that activity with your ex as “almost cheating” seems a bit generous. You may not have gone through with the threesome, but if I found out my man had gone behind my back and confirmed one with his ex, like all but filled out the Google Doodle while we were together, that would be just cause for a breakup.

Number four, you going through his phone, regardless of what you found, is a breach of trust and privacy. He is in the wrong for having those apps on his phone without telling you, and his excuse sounds a bit shaky (if it isn’t, and if you really are too jealous for him to make friends through other channels, then, again, we have work to do), but I think, hope, pray you realize this is toxic behavior on all fronts.

I’m not here to scold you, Disconnection. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want this guy to get hurt either. This whole situation, though, reeks of baggage that neither of you have checked before stepping onto the plane together. You need to spend an extended period of time apart to work on these problems so that they don’t arise again in your next relationship.

That could mean therapy (everyone should get it!), it could mean talking to friends about it, but it will mostly certainly mean being honest with yourself about your behaviors and what needs to change.

Signed,
Papi!

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