Queer Abby: I Think I’m A Lesbian, But I Don’t Fit The Stereotypes

Dear Queer Abby, 

I’m 33 years old. It took me a long (maybe too long) time to finally figure out I’m not straight. 

Let’s not get too excited yet — I’m still closeted, because of a multitude of problems going on in my life right now. I’m unemployed and unfortunately, I also have a homophobic family. I’m living at home, which is a conservative city in the south that doesn’t exactly have a booming LGBT community. I have no friends, as pathetic as this sounds. 

I thought I’d give online dating a shot, just to even find someone to talk to, but I got no messages. I joined some lesbian forum and a queer site, but alas I still had no luck. I feel like the women that belong to these communities all have their cliques that I can’t join. 

I hate sports, I’m not a vegan/vegetarian and, try as I might, I can’t get into the TV shows or movies they watch, the musicians they listen to (look, I will never stop apologizing for loving classic rock) or the female celebrities they crush on. 

I have tried very hard to change my interests and watch the entertainment they do — I tried to be vegan (it didn’t last), I’d leave my TV on ESPN instead of a rerun of a sitcom — but I can’t stick with them. I’m very different, and even before I knew I was a lesbian I had a hard time making friends. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never fit in. 

What do I do?

Signed, 

Out Of The Loop

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Dear Loop, 

First of all, congratulations on discovering you are not straight, and for coming out to me. I’m honored. 

When I came out I was terrified of the lesbian pack. First of all, they seem a lot more confident than any straight circle of women I’d ever run with. Secondly, they did all seem to know each other already. I didn’t actively come out until I was 21, and that felt like it was too late. It seemed like hopping into a very quick, assertive double-dutch game. 

The good news is, it’s never too late, and there are whole swaths of lesbians who get a thrill from initiating the recently-straight. There are people who would love to broaden their circle of friends by having you in it. 

When I first went gay, I had a small group of lesbian friends who would sit in a circle and play a “game” called “the first time you knew you were gay.” This was a gathering of young people trying to extend their feathers in order to prove they had the credibility to exist in gay space. I’m rolling my eyes now, but at the time (as an insecure fledgling) it felt crucial. 

As we went around the circle, every young invert talked about being SO GAY that they were turned on by their first babysitter, or (the more dyed-in-the-wool dykes) getting sapphically excited just by passing through the birth canal. That’s how long they’d been gay.  

NOT ME!

When I was a kid, I had a crush on my Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy, I wanted to be Eddie Munster and I wanted to have sex with Jordan Knight. I would shrink and feel shame in these circles for being new and not having made a pass at my Montessori school teacher. I was like “Guys, you know when I went gay because you were there. It was just last week.”