Thirst Patrol

If You Stan Any of These Actors, You’re Probably Super Horny

Listen up, horndogs. We already know you’re horny: but how horny, exactly?

Thanks to a new report from lingerie company Pour Moi, we know exactly how thirsty people are depending on which celebrities they pine after. Get ready for more than a few surprises. Pour Moi (bravely, importantly) parsed 115,000 horny, thirsty, desperately turned-on tweets to give us the following information: 

  • Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo comes in hot at #5, with his 484 million followers positively lapping up that 8-pack every time he posts a shirtless selfie. Which, to be clear, happens a lot. Like, a lot. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano)

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano)

  • Tom Hardy and Arctic Monkey frontman Alex Turner are the celebs with the 8th and 9th horniest fan base, respectively, which makes a lot of sense because they’re both extremely sexy and extremely vulnerable, which is their secret sauce. There’s something about a hot dude who can also sing about pain or give your those wounded eyes. Also, remember when Tom Hardy identified as bisexual way before it was considered cool or even ok to do so? We must stan.

 

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Tom Hardy (@tomhardy)

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Alex turner (@arctic.alx)

  • Coming in extra HOT at #10 is British boxer Anthony Joshua, who is hot enough to make you faint just by looking at him. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by @anthonyjoshua

I mean, good LORD.

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by @anthonyjoshua

Some honorable mentions include “Levitating” queen Dua Lipa at #20, martial artist Holly Holm, and gay icon Lil Nas X at #15. But who’s got the thirstiest fans overall? Well, to probably no one’s surprise, it’s Magic Mike himself. That’s right, Channing Tatum ranks at #1, and once again, who on earth finds this shocking? The man is immaculate.

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Channing Tatum (@channingtatum)

First of all, we stan a supportive father who doesn’t give a fuck about gender roles. No wonder he’s the star of 2,000 extremely horny tweets sent by fans since 2019.

 
 
 
 
 
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A post shared by Channing Tatum (@channingtatum)

In the words of Ariel from The Little Mermaid, “what would I do to see you smiling at me?”

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