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The Existential Unraveling Of Attempting To Write My PERSONALS Post

Am I a bottom or a top?

Butch or femme?

Soft butch? Hard femme? Stone butch? High femme? Futch?

How do you pronounce “futch” and why does it sound painful? (Does that mean I’m futch?)

Can I lay claim to soft butch culture if I’ve never worn a tie?

Do I say “like” too much to authentically pass as a tomboy? Or do I only do that when I’m with straight girls?

Dom or sub?

No, but like, actually, dom or sub?

Should I just write “sub pillow princess looking for butch dom top to absolutely pulverize me” and see what happens?

Wait, am I actually a sub pillow princess looking for a butch dom top to absolutely pulverize me?

Can I say “kink positive” if I’m 90% sure at least one of my family members will see this post?

Is admitting I’m “looking for someone” to 41,000 strangers the most emotionally vulnerable I’ve ever been in my life?

How do I say “My type is ‘girls’ and I’m physically incapable of discernment beyond that” — but like, in a cute, digest-able, queer-friendly way?

Would dropping an X-Files reference pave the way for greater emotional and/or spiritual fulfillment down the line?

If I admit I’m a Scorpio, will girls assume I’m an emotionally manipulative sociopath who will hoard their secrets, move to a mountain with them and never return?

Is it even possible for me, as a Midwesterner, to lay claim to mountain culture?

Is a string of buzzwords + expressing a desire to sleep in and hold hands actually any more authentic than just a photo of my big dumb face?

If a photo of my big dumb face is word 1,000 words, does that explain why Tinder is such a hellscape?

Would a self-deprecating dig make me sound more approachable or actually self-loathing?

Would referencing my own self-loathing make me sound more approachable?

Why does wanting to sound more approachable make me hate myself more?

Does only ever having sex with women actually make me a lesbian?

Is there a BuzzFeed quiz that tells me if I’m queer enough to post a @_personals ad?

Would anyone notice if I just lifted a few lines from the JonBenet Ramsey ransom note?

Should I plant a few months worth of thirst traps on my Instagram before submitting my @_personals post for optimal cute girl DMs?

What if I only reel in Rainbow Suspenders Dykes?

Were the real dykes the rainbow suspenders we wore along the way?

Is it even remotely possible to encapsulate something as vast and malleable and adaptable as human sexuality in a 100-word post?

How do I say “I only want to meet people with dogs” without sounding like I want to fuck a dog?

Can I make eight different @_PERSONALS_ posts for: me on first dates, me in long-term relationships, me as a camp counselor, me when I’m at home in bed watching 30 Rock in silent solitude, me at my absolute best (.1% of the time), me in five years if my five-year career plan works out, me according to my ex, and me according to my current crush? Just to see what sticks?

Am I allowed to submit “horny” + my Instagram handle and call it a day?


Grace Perry

Grace Perry is a Chicago-based freelance writer. Catch her jokes on Reductress.