Why Do Evangelicals Take Such Issue With What That Mouth Do?

In the initial seconds of “Washpoppin,” the third track from Cardi B’s debut mixtape Gangsta Bitch Music Vol. 1, the rapper coos, “C’mon, be grown, suck a dick, be nasty.”

It’s one of the best dosages of sex ed that I’ve ever come across, but unfortunately, some people would rather listen to their uptight, puritanical politicians and the evangelical leaders that have soiled their minds about sex rather than beloved Our Lady of the Thot Bop. The latest example of this is Ugandan president Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, who has drawn international headlines for his condemnation of oral sex and calling for its banning in the country. Delivering a television press conference, the 73-year-old evangelist said, “Let me take this opportunity to warn our people publicly about the wrong practices indulged in and promoted by some of the outsiders. One of them is what they call oral sex. The mouth is for eating, not for sex.”

Depending on whom you’re speaking with, ass is a perfectly acceptable meal substitute or, depending on how you get down, side order. This is ditto for dick. Oh, and the vagina: who could forget that one? I mean, I almost did since it’s not my meal of choice, but y’all get it.

Museveni continued, declaring, “We know the address of sex, we know where sex is.”

This sounds like something Devante would say towards the end of a Jodeci song. If you don’t know what sentence means, the group Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling used to do karaoke to on that show starring The Legendary Ms. Britney Spears. Still confused? Let Google use you, my love.

In any event, back in 2014, Museveni claimed that after you stop being scared of the dick and throw lips to the shit, “You push the mouth there, you can come back with worms, and they enter your stomach because that is a wrong address.”

This would be hilarious if this man weren’t in charge of the laws of his land. Unfortunately, while it seems easy to dismiss Museveni as a misnomer due to the manner in which he conveyed his disdain of oral sex and its purported dangers, he sounds largely like his evangelist counterparts elsewhere in the world.

A few years ago, Pat Robertson argued: “You’re gonna say that you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to conform your religious beliefs to the group of some abhorrent thing. It won’t stop at homosexuality.” Although he was speaking in reference to gay people, the inference is clear: any form of sex that isn’t missionary, heterosexual, and presumably, majorly for reasons related to procreation, your sex ain’t lit. Well, lit if you mean worthy of you and your crotch burning in hell for all eternity. Word to boring sex.

To wit, Franklin Graham once slammed Teen Vogue for producing a how-to guide on anal sex.

“They are glorifying anal sex and doing nothing to warn young readers of the extreme dangers that this practice brings from a medical standpoint,” Graham posted on Facebook. “Even more important are the spiritual ramifications. Sodomy is a sin against God.”

Hear me in Ja Rule when I write that when it comes to sodomy, my attitude is:

Where would I be without my baby (baby)
The thought alone might break me (ooh)
And I don’t wanna go crazy

Meanwhile, just Google “Is Oral Sex A Sin?” and you will see so many articles debating the answer. Back when I was Catholic, I can’t recall ever getting a clear answer. Thank God my mouth didn’t wait for one.

Why do any of these people care so much? Do they not realize how silly they sound? If God didn’t want people to suck, why didn’t she make it taste like candy corn left out in the sun in Phoenix on a hot August’s day?

Fortunately, there are some Christians less uptight about where you put your mouth. In 2014, on the 400th episode of Ask Pastor John, the clergyman said this about sex: “Number one, I don’t think oral sex is explicitly prohibited in any biblical command. If the Bible prescribes it, it would have to be by principle and not by an explicit command.”

He also deemed it natural. Granted, he wanted it done in the confines of marriage, but can’t win them all. It’s a shame the likes of Yoweri Kaguta Museveni missed that episode. Just imagine being 73-years-old and having a much that dry. Picture that degree of deprivation.

And then thank God you never had a problem putting your mouth in/on new, interesting places like these quality sex-deprived evangelicals.