You’re Not Too Hot To Find A Man

While chewing on one too many bites of a frosted cinnamon bun during breakfast, a good friend shared an article from blog Gay Pop Buzz entitled, “Seven Struggles of Gay Dating When You’re Super Attractive.”

The comment section is colorful (to say the least): replete with eye roll emojis, questions of “is this satire?” and, unsurprisingly, a few dudes agreeing with the author, Steven in Seattle, one friend even adding, “It’s true! Some guys find me intimidating.”

No one responded to him. Any queer man living in America can guess what Steven looks like: muscular, 20 to 30 years old, white. This particular dating issue only seems to be reserved for men like him according to men like him. Now, before I chomp into the rest of this conceit burger, I’m fighting every instinct in my brain that tells me I need to somehow prove to you I’m qualified to refute Steven’s words. I want to inform you about the number of abs that are visible when I remove my shirt, about the attractiveness level of men I’ve dated, and the words used to describe my own beauty.

I even want you to Google my name and find out for yourself that I’m ~not white~ (GASP!) before you continue. That fact alone for a big portion of us is enough to disqualify my opinion from this subject at all.

In a lot of ways, this pervasive idea about who sits on the Throne of He Could Get It is constantly held up by our community in the men we collectively lust over and the non-inclusive magazines we continue to subscribe to. A lot of us also let egos like Mr. Seattle’s go unchecked, or discard his notions as wild and unique, even though they aren’t.

Because of this, I felt the need to dispatch his very outdated notions, posthaste:

Nobody Approaches You

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I mean, the answer to this could be easy: you could just have resting bitch face. 😀

Steven claims, “Early on in my coming out process, I realized that people assumed that just because I was a good looking [sic] that I was also arrogant.”

I wonder where they would have gotten that idea: earlier in his post, Steven says, “Look, I take care of myself. I’m not going to apologize for watching what I eat, working my abs out or frequenting my gym.” Sorry bear community, Steven doesn’t think you’re hot unless you’re a muscle bear.

Guys Look At You As A Hook Up

While l do agree with Steven’s assertion that gay guys objectify every man they see, I can directly refute this line item with a personal story.

When I was in college, and Grindr was just a glint in a tech genius’ eye, I hooked up with a man in a tiny dorm shower stall. At this point, I only knew his first name (I miss college), but we actually ended up dating for months afterward. We had the crazy notion to speak for a moment after we fucked, and decided we were compatible both sexually and otherwise. How about that.

The great thing about our community is the fact that our sex-positive attitudes are a little more advanced than your average human. Maybe that’s just me.

You Get Pawed On At Bars

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Which one is it Steven, 1 or 3?

We should never tolerate unwanted touching in our community, period. The point he makes here is irrefutable. Yet, just when you start to relate to Steven a little bit, he goes and says, “I’m just saying that it’s not all upside when you are a good looking dude. I guess that’s why I don’t go out that much anymore.”

Boo-boo, maybe you’re not meeting anybody because you’re not going outside your home.

Gay Men Get Jealous

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We’ve seen it with our current commander-in-chief, celebrities who behave badly, and yes, even with Steven, when someone criticizes their viewpoint, their first reply is, “Oh, you’re just jealous.”

But, if you look at the comments in the Gay Pop Buzz article, allegedly the real Steven outed himself, and if that’s him, well…jealous? I’m not.

Some People Think You’re A Hooker

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that even if this is true for our dear Steven, that it isn’t a struggle, but a benefit.

“I’m a generou$ guy who is interested.” A lot of us have had that question lodged at us before, on the same platforms Steven is looking for a long-term mate. But I’ve looked at it this way: perhaps men who look at you and think you’re a sex worker with no provocation are the kind of men you should be avoiding for long-term companionship?

Gay Men Assume You Are Super Hung

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On the bright side, maybe this means Steven knows what it’s like to be a gay black man? #tryingtobeoptimisic

Feeling You Have to Apologize

Finally, Steven says what we all aren’t thinking, that he needs to apologize for his genetic gifts, claiming he’s often asked why, since his dates “don’t look like him,” he is even with them.

We’d all be lying if we didn’t admit at one time or another, you look at the dude you’re dating and think, “Why the hell are you with me? You are a beautiful angel, and I am a flaming pile of garbage.”

However, never have I wanted an explanation for why someone has feelings for me–if it’s right, eventually they tell you through their actions or their words.

On the flip side of that…I think, maybe, feeling you have to apologize for how beautiful you are, says much more about how you think you fit in our community’s social hierarchy than how attractive you really are, inside or out.