In a bizarre, twisted turn of events, I now want to have sex with Bradley Cooper, the world’s straightest and least-bangable man.
How did this happen, you ask? We still don’t know. It’s largely a mystery. I only know that since photos dropped yesterday of Cooper playing the famous bisexual composter Leonard Bernstein in the upcoming Netflix drama Maestro, the unthinkable has happened: I have started to find Bradley Cooper sexually interesting.
That’s right: Bradley Cooper—heretofore known as the straightest straight man on planet Earth, a man who seems to have never once washed his hair or learned how to fully button his shirts—has become hot. I don’t know how this happened, but I’m guessing Leonard Bernstein has something to do with it.
From the set of Maestro pic.twitter.com/RFSZb1aX1i
— Netflix (@netflix) May 30, 2022
I mean come on. Look at that. Look what happens when you introduce a straight man to basic grooming. Did JVN make an appearance on set to tell Cooper to stop washing his face with battery acid? Did this man take an actual shower? Or does black and white cinematography cover a multitude of sins? I’m guessing it’s a combination of all three. In any case, my loins are stunned, confused, and let’s face it, aroused.
Again, this probably has more to do with Bernstein than Cooper. As one of my favorite composers of all time and the person responsible for the music of “West Side Story” and “Candide,” Bernstein holds a gigantic place in this tiny gay heart. He was also–you guessed it–super gay. Yes, he was married to a woman (Felicia Montealegre, played by Carrie Mulligan in Maestro) but according to “West Side Story” collaborator Arthur Laurents, he was a “married gay man” who had plenty of extramarital affairs. A string of love letters also proves this theory splendidly. But truly, those of us in the know didn’t need any proof. You can’t write a song like “Glitter and Be Gay” and not be a little,…you know…awesome.
To make things even gayest, Todd Haynes is producing the biopic, and gay favorites Matt Bomer and Maya Hawke are in the cast. So all in all, it’s looking extremely homosexual and I’m ready.
Unfortunately, this beaut won’t release until 2023. Until then, glitter and be gay, make your garden grow, and never forget that sometimes, straight men can be hot.