The tale of the gassy muscle bottom will have you screaming

Bodybuilder bottoms: they are real! And for the men who spend all day putting in reps at the gym, it can be hard to put in…different reps at night.

For many reasons: according to a user on Reddit—specifically the magnificent subreddit r/gaybros—it’s hard to maintain gym goals during the day without being way too gassy for the night’s pleasures ahead.

“So I’ve been training frequently for a while and I’ve kept my protein and calories pretty high,” one user explained. “Now that’s all fine and dandy if I’m not planning any activities but when I do have one planned I realize I have to change my eating habits for that day. Because my body will just be too bloated and gassy to even risk bottoming.”

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After this bodybuilding bottom asked for advice, he perhaps got more back than he was bargaining for. After a spirited debate about what to call bodybuilder bottoms (Pottybottoms? Bootybuilders? Bob the Builders?) the actual advice started trickling in, and it was not for the faint of heart.

“On the day you’re planning on bottoming,” wrote one helpful user, “avoid stuff like eggs and focus on getting your protein from natural sources (i.e. Avoid whey and eggs since they’ll make you gassy and focus on protein from meat instead. Tuna is also excellent as a protein source).” Instead of whey, an almond-based protein powder was suggested, as well as a daily probiotic.

Others chimed in offering their own solutions, such as eating lots of raw vegetables and psyllium husk, a “colon cleanser” which seems like it would only exacerbate the problem. Others were more direct. “Get better at douching,” wrote one commenter. Another suggested lactose-free milk.

As for the gassiness, a cup of fennel tea was suggested. Liquid diets, GasX, and “opening a window” were also on the table. But there was one comment that proved itself the winner: “You’re just gonna have to fart on that dick, mate.”

While farting on that dick might not seem like the best suggestion, many users agreed that the best thing is probably to make a fetish out of it. “Find a fart fetishist,” someone cried. But do such people exist? Apparently, yes. “They are definitely out there,” one user wrote. “I refused to believe it was a real thing right up until I was sitting on a guy’s face and he stopped rimming me to ask if I could fart for him.”

Well, there you have it. In the words of the poet, there are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreampt of in your Bootybuilding philosophy.