No matter how you identify, everyone knows that gender expression is messy. Seemingly innocuous moments, activities, or clothing can set off a wave of gender dysphoria — and in a new video, musician and influencer Sasha Allen (who just took home the Queerty Award for fan-favorite TikToker) named the “weird things” that still set his dysphoria off and invited his viewers to follow suit.
Allen’s first dysphoric activity: “Not being able to find something in a Home Depot and getting lost even after you ask an employee for help,” he said. “Because it feels like after seven years of testosterone, I should be able to do that. It even says it on the little testosterone box, that you’ll be able to make your way around a Home Depot after two or three years of being on it.”
Being confronted with masculine stereotypes happens on the road, too, Allen said. “Being stopped at a red light next to a really masculine dude in a really cool truck. I’m there in my little Nissan; he’s, like, 10 feet off the ground. I can’t even make eye contact, man,” he explained. “Like, ‘Oh, big trucks, you’re overcompensating, and they’re loud and annoying’ — no, they’re f*cking cool, and I’m so jealous. I’m jealous and I feel inadequate.”
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“I’m 23, and for the first time in my life I feel like I’m actually fully comfortable with another human being,” Allen said in a viral TikTok.
“I felt like a weird, gross, cut-open, circus freak, wounded human being that had my guts spilling out,” Allen shared in a new TikTok.
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Allen also named the article of clothing he finds most offensive. “Okay, really big one: wide necklines on a shirt,” he shared. “Very Harry Styles in 2016. The sh*t that he would wear when he would wear a T-shirt was my worst f*cking nightmare. Still is my worst nightmare. I could have a full f*cking beard on my face, man — I put something like that on, I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is a women’s blouse.”
Some of Allen’s picks were less cultural and more physical. For example, he told a story about discovering a new insecurity the other day while looking at his reflection. “I looked in the mirror and I covered my eyebrows and the lower half of my face, and I was like, ‘Oh my god. My eyes haven’t changed from testosterone. Those are my f*cking girl eyes.’”
“Another big one is my entire skeleton. My whole skeletal system. Every little bone. It all looks a little bit f*cked to me,” he added before opening the floor to his comments section. “What about you guys? You f*cking hate your bones too?”
Some of Allen’s viewers took the chance to share their own unorthodox triggers. “My birth date, 23-07-1990 is so round and feminine 😭,” one commenter wrote.
Another agreed, replying, “this is how i feel about being born in may 😭.”
But others assured Allen (and the rest of the comments section) that the things they’re naming truly aren’t a big deal. “I have 27 years of testosterone (I’m cis) and I still can’t confidently navigate a Home Depot,” one commenter wrote.
“Home Depot gives everyone all different types of issues you’re not alone,” added another.
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