From trading cards that ruled schoolyards to the video games that let us live out our dreams of catching ’em all, the big-name Nintendo franchise has been around since the 90s.
But here’s a twist: as kids, we might not have fully noticed the fabulous and seriously queer side of Pokémon. These pocket monsters, with their sassy tentacles, diva-like temper tantrums, and more, are actually the epitome of gay.
So, keep your Poké Balls handy, because we’ve ranked the 10 gayest Pokémon ever:
Ever felt an unwanted hand trying to slip a digit down the back of your pants on the dance floor at the gay bar? That’s ol’ Tentacruel, using his Ooze ability to creep out everyone in the area with his total disregard for personal space and consent. Starting life as the clueless Tentacool, he evolves into the far-sleazier Tentacruel after everybody feels too awkward to tell him that his gropey behavior is not ok. The only way to deal with Tentacruel is a very public dressing down over his uninvited touching. Though a drink over the head can sometimes prove almost as effective.
We all know a Jigglypuff. They’re the star of their own show, and the rest of us are merely the dowdy viewers. In their mind, Jigglypuff is the best singer on the planet and will demonstrate this fact at any given moment, whether you want them to or not. Usually found lurking around cabaret bars and karaoke machines, they take any opportunity to belt out numbers like “Seasons of Love” from Rent. Sadly, although Jigglypuff is a cute little blue-eyed Bel Ami twinky thing, they are Kardashian-level overexposed. Sorry, babe.
Remember your first day at the gym? You rolled up with your brand new gym bag, ES Collection shorts, water bottle, and yoga mat…only to gaze upon the vast range of man mountains pumping iron. And then you looked at yourself in the mirror. You were Machop. We have all been Machop.
However, if you managed to steel yourself, stay disciplined, and WERQ hard at the gym, chances are you evolved into Machoke. Strong, lean, with fabulous muscles, Machoke’s a total show-off. Ah well, you earned it, honey. You probably know and hate (or want to fuck) a Machoke. Fit bastards.
Petite blonde pequeño Pikachu is queen of the temper tantrum. When their daddy (paternal and/or sugar) refuses to fork out the cash for that shiny new Poké Ball, you better batten down the hatches. Pika’s fit of pique is unlike any you’ve seen before. What once looked like an innocent ball of flip-flop-fuck-fun is now a REAL pocket monster. Friends, sales assistants, waiters, and even Karens don’t stand a chance against the explosive scenes this bombshell can create. Best to keep them happy with a monthly allowance, daddy.
Clefairy came out a lot later than you. Once an unhappily-married blue-collar worker, he took the bold step to live his truth later in life. Sweet, friendly, and a little bit naïve, everybody has a soft spot for him. The fact that he has an awesome apartment with a fully stocked bar doesn’t hurt either. Known for his retreats to the mountains, Clefairy will even take you to Aspen for a skiing weekend. Just don’t mess him around on him. He’s got a good heart.
Jynx is a classic butch queen in drag for the first time. And she’s clearly had a couple of Appletinis to help her work up the courage…
3. All the Eevee evolutions
Here come the fashion queens. Cute-as-a-button pup Eevee has got big dreams of making it in the design world, so they head to the big (Cerulean) city to start an unpaid internship at DKNY. Fast-forward four years and Eevee is still broke, still living in a tiny apartment and still interning. But boy, they evolved… well, evolved their look. And identity. And don’t call them Eevee anymore, thanks. It’s Vaporeon.
Until the seapunk trend is over, and then it’s Jolteon.
No wait, Pikachu’s doing the electric block colorlook. Okay, hmmm…It’s Flareon, now!
How appropriate. Look for they doing the guest list at an undergrad fashion show. Gurrrrrrl.
Yes, we know he’s a trainer and not a Pokemon. But he’s SO HOT. And he has a huge, rock hard creature in his Pokeball. So if you want to get precious, Onix is pretty much as gay as it gets. But our hearts belong to Brock, even if he’s lusting after Nurse Joy. Those squinty little eyes, that voice… Brock our world. Oh, and this little treat….
That is one lucky Sudowoodo.
1. Jessie & James
Okay, so even though these two aren’t technically Pokemon either, they’re camp-as-hell bumbling Poke-villains. But do you wanna try telling usthat they aren’t the ultimate fag and hag pairing? They have matching outfits, they get their hair dyed together, they even have their own rhymes and slogans. Jessie probably had a crush on James through grade school, and James probably told his mother Jessie was his girlfriend in college. But it all worked out for the best, and now they’re stuck together for life. They’ve even got a cat together, for Christ’s sake.
In your opinion, who’s the gayest Pokémon character? Did they make the list? Let us know in the comments below, and don’t forget to subscribe to the IntoMore newsletter for the latest on all the gayest characters across TV, video games, and more.
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