This TikToker’s take on Pride Month Bingo is scandalously accurate

If you’ve been out for more than a few years, you probably have a sense of the manifold chaos Pride month will bring. You’ll get rainbow-colored merch, inconvenient parades down the middle of a busy avenue, strange texts from family members who aren’t even saved in your phone, and perhaps most importantly, discourse. Lots and lots of discourse. Did we ask for it? No. Are we going to get it anyway? How dare you even ask!

There are certain things that, at this moment in time, and at this stage in the history of the Internet, we’re just absolutely going to have to engage with during June whether we like it or not, and one TikToker, the ever-delightful Reuben Woodall, has laid out a fairly clear blueprint for what to expect this month.

“I thought it would be a really fun idea to make a bingo card for all the things I think are going to happen this year,” Woodall explained on a recent TikTok. The idea is that when we reach the end of the month, we’ll be able to see just how predictable this Pride season truly was.

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So what’s on the card? Well, we’ve got a few old reliables, starting off strong with “kink at Pride” discourse. “Two trans people are going to kiss on top of a float,” Woodall predicts, “and it’ll be on Fox News, and everyone will be talking about how disgusting we are.” Yup, that’s a bet, right alongside a queer teacher getting fired for daring to have a Pride event in a school. This will be a huge controversy because we live where? That’s right: in hell.

“Selena Gomez will take a social media break for longer than 48 hours,” Woodall continues, “and we’ll call it homophobic because it happened during Pride month.” Again…the accuracy is stunning.

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“Every single conservative pundit will bring up the fact that Pride is the deadliest sin according to the Bible, or whatever,” they continue. “Ben Shapiro or someone will say ‘well we don’t give Lust a whole month of its own!'”

But not all the news is bad or annoying: Woodall predicts that a Republican will get outed via Grindr screenshots, a TikToker will release a Pride song that everyone hates, and RuPaul and Taylor Swift will join forces for a collaboration. “I don’t know how, I don’t know when,” Woodall says, “but it’s gonna happen.

Then we have the old classics: the LGB without the T crowd, the anti-gay Karens having a fit because there are rainbow shirts in a big box store, said big box store pulling the rainbow merch and then apologizing… we’ve seen it all before.

“Sabrina Carpenter and Billie Eilish will start dating…it just makes sense.” Now this we can get behind! Now that that infamous DM girl fumbled the ball, Billie is single and ready to mingle. Let’s get these two on a Pride float to kickstart the “no kink at Pride” discourse…two birds one stone, people!

Honestly, most of these predictions feel incredibly, almost upsettingly spot-on. Which is why we’ll absolutely be playing along. Happy Pride, everyone—stay safe, sane, and please hydrate don’t die-drate.

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