Rewriting History

Twitter Has Decided That Cher Wrote Harry Potter and We’re Into It

For too many years now, we’ve lived with the disappointing, infuriating heartache of she-who-doesn’t-deserve-to-be-named tainting the magic of our childhoods spent at Hogwarts. We haven’t been able to engage with the world we once cherished without the pain of her beliefs, words, and actions against the queer and trans existence overshadowing any joy we once felt. But there may be hope for us yet! It all began with this tweet: 

And people were ready to run with it. Because, as one Twitter user writes: “Alternate world where Cher was the writer of the Harry Potter books and therefore is not a transphobic asshole sounds like a really cool timeline to live in.” It’s, dare I say, the world we truly deserve? Fans immediately began quote-tweeting that they’re “Here for this erasure 💖” (Exactly!) and “Gonna tell my kids that JK Rowling was Cher’s pseudonym” (Honestly, possible.) One of my favorite responses is someone saying that this picture is their “Heartstopper.” Others are saying that “This is actually canon now and you can’t tell me otherwise,” and that “Cher would have let dumbledore be openly gay” which is so true!! This same user presents the very valid and welcome notion that “Cher also would have joined me in ginny/luna supremacy and the hardcore belief that literally any character could’ve been noncis/nonhet/nonwhite and harry was just so oblivious he never noticed.” Points are being made, your honor! 

Fans of this new theory have posted hilarious edits to the Google search result and a wonderful update to a familiar book cover

Though of course a simple author change still can’t erase the disgustingly stereotypical and racist choices author-Voldemort made in the beloved books, perhaps there’s value in a collective choice to erase her —the way she so violently and enthusiastically supports the erasure of us— from her own story.

To the people who say we are “erasing a real woman’s hard work” (eyeroll), the responses are perfect too: “what are u talking about? This tweet is literally crediting Cher.”

In case you’re wondering about the one very relevant issue to consider with this theory: “If you follow her tweets then you’d know Cher didn’t write HP books. Because they aren’t all in FULL CAPS….” Fear not! Twitter’s got that covered too: “The actual fact is… the  manuscript was in full CAPS but the editor stepped in and insisted on them publishing it with more conventional grammar.”

Even if this catches on and, by some glorious miracle of the collective consciousness, Cher continues to be credited for the best parts of the Harry Potter world, it will take a while before I see the franchise’s logo and stop cringing: heart sinking, body wincing in existential hurt. I’d love if this could go even further. We could decide on new names and arcs for the problematic characters: after all, that’s what fan fiction is for. And the “Cher wrote Harry Potter” narrative is the best kind of fan fiction come to life! 

This is the perfect time to channel another powerful Cher —one who offered a cultural reset with her political stance in support of refugees with the unforgettable: “In conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty” speech of 1995. So, in conclusion, who’s to say that Cher didn’t write Harry Potter? It’s just facts that much of queer history has been erased and rewritten to serve the cis heteronormative narrative. This could be the moment we need to open our eyes and see the truth! Cher actually did write Harry Potter. Tell your friends, tell your children, tell the world. We’re rewriting history!

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