The Most Chaotic Disney Bottoms, Ranked.

If you’re a Disney kid, you haven’t just seen those classic cartoons just once. You can’t even claim you “haven’t seen them since you were a kid,” because we all know you’re lying. As queers, we live for Disney characters. And not just any characters, either. In almost every Disney film, there’s a very specific dynamic between two men–usually the main villain and his henchman–that can be nothing but explicitly sexual. If you’re someone who, on the umpteenth rewatch of Aladdin, stands up and shouts: “why doesn’t Jafar just break the sexual tension and GIVE IT UP to Iago already,” friend, this list is for you. 

Without further adieu, here the most chaotic Disney bottoms to ever grace the screen, in order of least to most chaotic. 

Jasper and Horace, 101 Dalmatians

Why are they bottoms: Despite Jasper and Horace’s disheveled appearances, these two men are complex, fascinating characters who don’t mind being topped by (and sharing) a strong woman. Because they’re both being pegged by Cruella. Yes, that’s absolutely what’s happening with these two. 

What’s going on: Jasper and Horace take turns getting pegged by Cruella, and then she makes then go down on each other while she watches, because she’s a strong feminist who knows exactly what she wants. 

What makes them chaotic: They’re not exactly great at their one (1) job of keeping the 101 dalmatian puppies from escaping their London bachelor flat, which lends an element of uncertainty to the proceedings. You never know when one–or both!–might go rogue. But generally, they’re not all that chaotic. They do what they’re told, and they drink a lot of beer and watch a lot of TV while they’re waiting for Cruella to initiate rope play. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: Sadly no, but they are British!

Iago the Parrot, Aladdin

Why is he a bottom: Iago is Jafar’s faithful parrot sidekick who is delusionally obsessed with his “master.” Even when Iago makes the rare move to disentangle himself from Jafar’s narcissistic bullshit, he keeps getting sucked right back in (literally, in one case.) Also, the fact that Jafar NEEDED to take Iago with him into that itty-bitty living space known as the lamp tells a full story all its own. As does this bit of bickering we hear from them at the end. 

What’s going on: Jafar and Iago are stuck in a familiar, depressing dance: one partner is anxiously attached, the other is narcissistic-avoidant. They can’t live with each other and they can’t live without each other, in a way that makes me feel like their relationship was completely repurposed from Richard Burton and Rex Harrison’s roles in Staircase. 

What makes him chaotic: Iago is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, which means that he’s basically scream-talking through every line. He’s also very neurotic and often molts in high-pressure situations. 

Extra points for flamboyance?:  I mean, on the one hand, it’s Gilbert Gottfried, so it’s de facto high camp, but on the other hand, is there such thing as straight camp? 

The Grand Duke, Cinderella

Why is he a bottom: What is a Grand Duke, really? This was the question I had as a child watching Cinderella for the first time. I didn’t find out the answer: I was too mesmerized by the Grand Duke’s excellent facial hair, fashion, and pince-nez. I was so mesmerized, I ended up going to Halloween that year dressed as the Grand Duke, monocle and all. 

Years later, I still don’t know what the fuck makes a Duke a Duke, much less a Grand one. The best I can say is that a Duke is someone who follows the king around and puts up with all kinds of weird abuse, all while getting caught up in the heterosexual love story of Cinderella and the Prince. Vicarious romance? Check. Obsessed with an incompetent straight man? Check. Houston, we have a bottom! Or at very least a vers queen. 

What the HELL is going on: Once again, I’ve been trying to answer this question for years. For whatever reason, the Grand Duke functions in a personal-secretary capacity to the King, who is obsessed with having grandchildren and at one point actually rides the Grand Duke like a horse while fantasizing about said grandchildren. It’s…a lot. 

What makes him chaotic: Between the Grand Duke’s obsession with getting Cinderella and the Prince to fuck and his nervous breakdown after he realizes Cinderella has left the ball, the Duke is dealing with a lot of emotions. He’s also never quite sure if the King wants to fuck him or kill him. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: Absolutely.

The Huntsman, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Why is he a bottom: Bears can be bottoms, too, and this bear—the royal bear-in-chief, actually—is committed to making his Queen happy at (almost) any cost. 

What is going on: This is the first-ever Disney animated feature, so the animation is really the main focus here, less so the characterization. That said, the animation is less fluid in this film than in future Disney works, with animators largely relying on rotoscoping to make the human characters come to life. This effect, along with the Huntsman’s piercing green eyes and excellent facial hair, gives the character a lived-in feeling that adds to his intriguing moral ambivalence. He’s loyal to the Queen, sure, but when she commands him to take Snow White into the woods to CUT HER HEART OUT WITH A KNIFE and bring it back to her in a box, the Huntsman draws the line. He pays for it, too, which is sad because he’s genuinely one of the most interesting characters in this movie. 

What makes him chaotic: The Huntsman’s moral uncertainty lends him a bit of a chaotic edge, especially when he’s first walking Snow White into the woods and you’re almost 100% sure he’s about to murder her brutally, even though this is a “kids movie.” Much has been made of the dynamic between Snow White and the Huntsman, even to the point of some folks making a long, drawn-out franchise out of it that nobody remembers or saw in the first place. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: No, but definite points for sexiness. 

Mr. Smee, Peter Pan

Why is he a bottom: Really? I mean, come on. 

What is going on: Mr. Smee is Captain Hook’s first mate, but he deals with a lot more than basic pirate ship maintenance and upkeep. He helps moderate Hook’s temper, provides emotional support when the crocodile comes-a-calling, and nurses Hook back from sickness when he gets a cold. He’s also Captain Hook’s personal barber, and genuinely seems to just adore Hook even though it’s a totally one-sided relationship. Hook, in turn, makes fun of Smee’s drinking problem, constantly tells him he’s fucking up, and basically hides behind Smee every time the croc shows up. So yeah, I definitely don’t feel seen or called out AT ALL by Smee’s dedication to this Stockholm Syndrome situation. 

What makes him chaotic: Everything. Smee is chaos personified. Not only will he drink an entire bottle of wine a night and not think twice, he will absolutely defend to the death Captain Hook’s weird, clearly sexual obsession with Peter. What’s wrong with a grown-ass pirate chasing a bunch of young kids around an island? If you ask Smee, absolutely nothing!

Extra points for flamboyance?: Good lord yes. 

Doctor David Q. Dawson, The Great Mouse Detective

Why is he a bottom: The “Q” stands for queer. 

What is going on: Let’s make one thing quite clear: in the Sherlock Holmes stories (upon which this film is loosely based,) Sherlock and Watson are canon lovers. In this adaptation of Eve Titus’s take on a mouse version of Sherlock, the dynamic is largely the same. Basil, the “Sherlock,” is constantly trying to solve crimes that require elaborate get-ups and disguises. Dawson is 100% along for the ride, even if it means he has to wear a Smee-like crop top every now and again. 

What makes him chaotic: Dawson may look the very picture of calm and collected, but when you cross him, he will attempt to feed you to the neighbor’s dog. Think he won’t? Fuck around and find out. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: Not really, but the sex is GREAT. 

Olaf, Frozen and Frozen 2

Why is he a bottom: Olaf’s wonderment at the natural world feels ecstatically bottom-y. From his THOT-y obsession with summer (ugh) to his ability to literally take his body apart and put it back together again, this icon simply screams bottom in the best way. Also, his character design is basically a butt with a penis stuck in it, so…

What is going on: Olaf is a sentient snowman that Elsa accidentally created as a child simply by being gay. That’s how powerful Elsa’s lesbian energy is. That also happens to be how bottoms are born: somewhere, a lesbian dreams you into existence, and your life begins. Today, Olaf fucks around in Arendelle explaining that time is a weird construct that ages everyone but him, which is peak bottom bragging. How dare Olaf show off his ageless snow-skin when the rest of us are slathering on the SPF-90 every thirty minutes! Rude. 

What makes him chaotic: Olaf is so chaotic, he literally can’t retain his physical shape. Which, you know, same. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: “Flamboyant” isn’t really a word you can apply to Olaf, but he is a character who gets to be 100% himself 100% of the time, which is flamboyant in its own way. 

Le Fou, Beauty and the Beast

Why is he a bottom: Where to begin? With Le Fou’s obsession with Gaston, the town creep with strong football-jock-who-peaked-in-high school vibes, or perhaps with Le Fou’s ability to sing an entire song about his obsession completely off-the-cuff in a crowded tavern full of straight people? It’s the courage and the conviction for me. They weren’t even PLAYING KARAOKE that night! That’s how strong Le Fou’s bottom energy is: he can just walk into a room full of straight people and Make It a Musical™. 

What is going on: Le Fou loves Gaston, who loves (or thinks he loves) Belle. But Belle is famously a lesbian who loves the Beast, who is also a lesbian. This is all canon, and I’m not making any of it up, I swear. Being a toxic jerk, Gaston still won’t take no for an answer from Belle, and refuses to give Le Fou a shot at romance. Le Fou, meanwhile, follows his platonic BF around hoping that if he shows up enough, he’ll finally start to be seen as a romantic possibility by Gaston. But that never happens, and probably never will, even in this alleged gay Beauty and the Beast spin-off. 

What makes him chaotic: As previously mentioned, Le Fou has a way with song, and he can use it to great advantage. First, he uses this power to help Gaston get his self-esteem back. Then, he uses it to imprison Belle’s father (“Crazy old Maurice”) in an asylum, because the town where they live is guided by mob rule in pretty much everything they do. 

Extra points for flamboyance?: Extra points for energy, certainly. 

Cogsworth, Beauty and the Beast 

Why is he a bottom: Cogsworth is the OG, the ultimate bottom. From his constant need to roll his eyes at his (closeted) boyfriend Lumiere to his penchant for Baroque history, this man is bottom culture personified. You might say, “wow, Beauty and the Beast has two bottoms in the supporting cast, what an embarrassment of riches!” And you’d be right. The bottom energy of this film is strong, and it genuinely contributes to why the film is so brilliant. After all, this is a movie about relationships, reality vs. expectation, and not prioritizing first impressions. 

What is going on: Cogsworth and longtime partner Lumiere have been dating for a hot minute, even since before they were transformed into sentient objects. They have a very physical dynamic and there’s a lot of pent-up rage there. One gets the sense that Lumiere is the partner who is always dragging Cogsworth to the gay bar at 11pm on a Wednesday, and Cogsworth is the partner who just wants to stay in and watch Outlander. 

What makes him chaotic: “Flustered” is Cogsworth’s main personality trait. If something doesn’t go to plan, he’s upset. If something does go to plan, he’s also kind of upset. That said, he is living (along with everyone else in that damn castle) in a highly abusive environment—truly the Beast’s shitty behavior makes reluctant bottoms of everyone in a 20-mile radius, including those wolves that live outside the castle. But the best part about Cogsworth is his ability to save the day in a pinch. Case in point: when Lumiere is being melted down by some asshole during the fight scene, Cogsworth goes full Napoleon and saves his ass, gaining a kiss in the process. It strikes me writing this that Lumiere and Cogsworth may be the only happy gay couple on this list. Perhaps it’s because they’re non-monogamous with the feather duster? 

Extra points for flamboyance?: Yes. All the points. Every last point. ♦