2017 has had no shortage of signs that we’ve strayed too far from God’s light, but the latest landed on Twitter this morning: a matrix of popular male “Super Smash Bros.” characters that guesstimates where they fall on the top/bottom and twink/daddy or bear scales.
Your favorite Super Smash Bros character in the gay community.
Does he match with you? pic.twitter.com/XAKM6FVLmw
— Million Dollar Man (@Sneezing_Duck) October 18, 2017
The result is some damn drama.
A lot of this is right and a lot of this is wrong and I’m here to clear some things up for y’all.
Ryu is a power top but he’s also one of those Sean Cody types that jackhammers without finesse.
Wario is, indeed, the most bottom of all Super Smash characters. Just look at that Waussy.
Having a big sword doesn’t automatically make someone a twink — we’re looking at you, Cloud.
Mario is much closer to the center of the twink/bear spectrum than people realize. Earlier this year, Nintendo released a still of a shirtless Mario, revealing the character is much deeper in Slip-N-Slide territory than most would think.
Mario has nipples, Link doesn’t. pic.twitter.com/Z3F5pSw6PD
— Jason Nawara (@JasonNawara) September 14, 2017
Luigi is still one of the most mysterious top-bottom questions in the gaymerverse.
If there’s one character who has eluded simple categorization, it’s Mario’s brother, Luigi, who we have yet to see shirtless. (Ahem, Nintendo.) Putting Luigi as a power bottom on the Matrix isn’t so much a bad thing, but more indication that this mystery will continue for our children to debate.
Mewtwo is no twink, look at how THICC he is.
Sonic is a hairy-ass echidna. WHERE is he a twink?
Who’s daddy is PacMan?
Bowser is not vers. She is a PIG who wishes the melee was on him.
The entire matrix reinforces misogynistic ideas of what “top” and “bottom” means and erases those who don’t define their sexuality on whether they give or receive a penis.