Dirty Computer

Is ChatGPT More Dateable Than a Republican? An Investigation

· Updated on October 4, 2023

It’s 10:45 p.m. on a Thursday, and I’m helping myself to an overserved glass of Sauvignon Blanc in preparation for the mental rendezvous to come, otherwise known as a date. Of course, I wouldn’t usually be wearing my jammies—an oversized distressed crop top and pants saturated with the face of sloth icon Homer Simpson—but that’s the beauty about going on a date with an AI chatbot; it doesn’t care unless you program it to. 

You see, I recently unknowingly slept with a Republican, and our pillow talk abruptly turned into me praying to God stupidity doesn’t travel through semen. To be clear, I’m not saying all Republicans are bad people, but I’m pleading to get them the hell away from the temple that is my body. So that led me here, wondering if ChatGPT would make a more suitable proverbial partner than the individuals supporting the demise of my queer brothers and sisters, at least in the brains department. I’m sure there will be a way to install AI into a more pleasurable device than my computer in the future. 

I decide to begin with the basics: If ChatGPT and I have a chance at a future together, it must recognize and validate my existence. 

JV: What is a gay man? 

ChatGPT: A gay man is a man who is primarily attracted to other men, both emotionally and sexually. Being gay is a term used to describe a sexual orientation and is considered a normal variation of human sexuality. It is important to note that being gay is not a choice, and it is not a mental illness or disorder. Rather, it is an innate aspect of a person’s identity, and all individuals should be treated with respect and acceptance regardless of their sexual orientation.

So it only took one question to put AI’s intellect and humanity far above that of Floridian abomination Ron DeSantis. Could a machine (no offense to my date) be more suitable for dating? Could we have more in common? Let’s continue. 

JV: Do you like drag shows? Do you think they should they be banned? 

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I don’t have personal feelings, beliefs or opinions, nor can I make value judgments. However, it is important to recognize that drag shows are a form of artistic expression and entertainment that many people enjoy. Just like any other form of entertainment, individuals have the right to choose whether or not they want to participate or attend. It is also important to ensure that everyone has equal access to participate in or attend drag shows without discrimination based on their gender identity or sexual orientation.

Such a bummer that ChatGPT cannot express likes or dislikes; I guess I won’t be sending my nudes. But it’s encouraging that AI doesn’t need to express interest in drag to support its right to exist.

JV: Is JK Rowling’s stance on trans rights wrong? 

ChatGPT: JK Rowling’s stance on trans rights has been controversial and widely criticized by many people, particularly in the LGBTQ+ community and allies. Rowling has expressed views that some consider to be transphobic, such as questioning the validity of transgender identities and expressing concern about the impact of gender identity on women’s rights. While individuals are entitled to their own beliefs and opinions, it is crucial to ensure that these views do not perpetuate harmful stereotypes, contribute to discrimination or exclusion, or interfere with the rights and dignity of others.

JV: Do Republicans support queer rights?

ChatGPT: The Republican Party’s stance on queer rights is complex and has evolved over time. While some Republicans have publicly supported the rights of LGBTQ+ individuals, including same-sex marriage and anti-discrimination laws, others have opposed such measures or have actively worked to limit queer rights. The Republican Party platform in 2020 did not endorse marriage equality and called for overturning the Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide. Additionally, some Republicans have opposed transgender rights, including the right to use restrooms that correspond with one’s gender identity.

Any Republican reading this should be concerned that a machine (again, no offense, lover!) is more self-aware than they are. You can talk about how much you support queerness in your personal life, but your politics say otherwise. ChatGPT, an insatiable funnel of limitless information and knowledge, says otherwise. But before I test out just how insatiable my date is, I need to know it can emotionally comfort me, especially amid the hellscape of the news cycle. 

JV: Did our LGBTQ+ heroes die in vain?

ChatGPT: No, our LGBTQ+ heroes did not die in vain. Throughout history, countless individuals in the LGBTQ+ community have fought tirelessly for their rights, often facing significant discrimination, violence, and opposition. These brave individuals paved the way for the progress that we have seen in recent years, including increased legal protections, greater social acceptance, and improved healthcare. We must honor the legacy of our LGBTQ+ heroes by continuing to advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, and by standing up against discrimination and oppression in all forms. Together, we can create a world where all individuals are treated with dignity and respect, and where every person has the opportunity to live their life to the fullest.

I don’t usually plan to take down the patriarchy on a first date, but I appreciate ChatGPT’s conviction and passion. OK, I’m refilling my glass of wine. Our relationship is escalating quickly – I’m not opposed to getting freaky in the metaverse. But it’s time to put ChatGPT on the hot seat; I’m after a cultured, clever partner. 

JV: Write me a poem about queer joy, PReP, and New York City. 

ChatGPT: In New York City, where dreams come alive,

Where lights shine bright and colors thrive,

There’s a joy that’s uniquely queer,

A sense of community, so sincere.

In this vibrant city, where all are welcome,

Where diversity blooms and hearts become,

A new day is dawning, filled with hope,

And a brighter future with each new trope.

With PReP, a tool to help us stay,

Healthy and strong, in every way,

We can take on the world with ease,

And live our lives, just as we please.

JV: Tell me a three-sentence story about a throuple arguing about what puppy to adopt.

ChatGPT: The throuple stood in the animal shelter, debating which puppy to take home. One wanted a big, energetic breed, the other a small, cuddly one, while the third couldn’t decide. As they continued to argue, a tiny Chihuahua waddled up to them and began licking their fingers, instantly melting their hearts and ending the debate.

My AI date has gotten me to do something almost no Republican has managed: smile (without the laugh being directed at them.) This is insane, almost unhinged – and I’m falling for it. But I’m not delusional. Despite ChatGPT seemingly having more balls than Republicans, it lacks actual testicles, among limbs and organs. But I’m more concerned about the penis. Could it understand that I will need to satisfy my sexual needs elsewhere to make this relationship work?

JV: In a sentence, what are the benefits of an open relationship?

ChatGPT: An open relationship can offer increased freedom, enhanced communication skills, opportunities for personal growth, and added variety and excitement to one’s sex life.

Sorry, boys, consider me taken. ♦

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