CW// Sexual assault
When I was six years old, bedtime was the bane of my existence. I despised the nightly showers and the sudden urgency of going to bed after spending quality time with my family. I loved playing complex board games, watching adventurous films, and sneakily playing my DSI wedged between my pillowcase before my mother confiscated it.
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If anything, this season gives us a real education on what it means to find people who truly get us.
I even loved lying in bed, watching opaque shadows dance in the darkness, getting chills from being uncertain if the coat rack was actually a beast.
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How alive the night made me feel— I could do anything, touch anything, and be anything.
But when I was six years old, I was sexually assaulted for four years by a close family relationship, and little did I know that would be the last time I could recognize the option to sleep.
When I turned twenty-three, I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD. I spent so much of my youth lost, confused, and broken. Showering before bed now meant scrubbing off the dirtiness, but I couldn’t get rid of it. I tried two times. Sleeping now meant violent intrusive thoughts, night terrors, and reliving a never-ending nightmare.
My trauma strained my love life and deeply confused my sexuality. I had so many questions. How was I ever going to love? And accept being loved back? What does good touch feel like?
I’m 24 now, and I shower because it makes me feel good. I love playing games again, watching every movie I dreamt of seeing as a younger person, and still not knowing if the coat rack is evil. But I also call my mom at night to say, ‘I love you,’ because I no longer have to hide.
I’m beyond loved by my partner of four years, and It’s a love I wished for from the stars and the moon all those years ago. I’m so loved, so deeply, immensely loved.
Today, I rest because I deserve it, and I love myself even harder because the little girl in me deserves it, too.
According to the Trevor project, “LGBTQ+ young people report higher rates of sexual violence than the general population.” It’s hard as queer people to speak up about our struggles because many don’t have the support or know what to do in worst-case situations.
Actions that you can take during sexual assault awareness month:
- Find a therapist
- Join support groups
- Practice mindfulness (meditation, yoga, journaling)
- Speak with a trusted family member or friend
- Share your story to connect with others online
Your voice matters, you deserve happiness, and you also deserve peace.♦
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