What makes a queer relationship? The obvious answer would be the people in it: if they’re queer, the relationship is too, right? But that question gets more complicated when thinking about straight-passing couples, especially in the bisexual community. If a bi man and a bi woman date, both individuals are definitely queer — but is the relationship itself?
That’s the question tackled by a viral TikTok, where comedian Sam Williams — the self-described “patron saint of bisexuals” — recalled a friend who asked him how to tell the difference.
“A friend of mine asked recently, ‘How can you tell when a heterosexual-looking couple are actually a bisexual man and a bisexual woman in a queer relationship?’” Williams said. “And I said, ‘It’s very simple. When the man’s hair is longer than the woman’s. The woman is the only one who can drive.’”
It’s true that queer stereotypes can help identify LGBTQ+ folks in public — one commenter remarked that they “assume bisexuality based on the number of canvas tote bags the man is carrying” — but as Williams continued, the topic has a lot more nuance than that.
“Then my friend asked, ‘Does that really qualify as a queer relationship, if it’s a man and a woman?’” he continued. “This is a question I’ve had to think about for a long time because I’m bisexual and I mainly date women, and my parents have always thought that I’m just, like, a straight guy who wants to say that I’m queer so I have something more interesting about me. But I’ve had the most queer relationships I’ve had with bisexual women.”
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Williams’ commenters agreed that a relationship’s queerness is less about the people in it, and more about its dynamics — ie, queerness in the theoretical sense, instead of the identity sense. “Being queer isn’t just about who you’re into, but also about how your relationship works,” one user wrote.
“Lately I’ve been considering any relationship that actively works against heteronormative and patriarchal dynamics to be Queer,” explained another.
Williams’ personal definition is a little sillier — and a little more X-rated. He recounted introducing his new bisexual girlfriend to his parents, which he says finally convinced them he was authentically queer.
“Because we’re both bi, pegging is on the table very frequently. It’s a very regular part of our intimacy,” he said. “Lads, if you’re not getting pegged, it is 2025. Just have some fun, okay? It’s one of the few pleasurable things we have as we hurtle toward climate catastrophe, so free yourself.”
Motivational speech aside, Williams carried on: “Basically, we go to my parents’ house and my girlfriend’s bag is identical to my dad’s bag, and I did not realize this until we arrived. And my girlfriend’s bag had the contraband in it.”
“After we did the introductions, and they went really well, my dad suggested we go for a hike,” he continued. “He went over to what he thought was his bag to check his, I don’t know, hiking equipment or whatever — I’m not straight like that. He opens it and is just eye to eye with seven inches of silicone that goes up my bum. And he just looks at me and winks and goes, ‘That’s my boy.’ And that’s how I found out that I think both of my parents are bisexual, because they’re definitely pegging.”
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