Paying a stranger a compliment is generally seen as a kind gesture. But if the compliment isn’t given for the right reasons, it can have the opposite of the intended effect.
So lamented a cis woman, who sought the advice of trans folks on Reddit after she wasn’t sure whether or not to compliment a trans woman she saw on the train.
“The way she stood gave me the impression she felt very self conscious, and almost defensive,” the poster explained. “She looked a bit like she was ready for some hate. It also seemed like she put a lot of effort into her outfit, and at the same time was trying to hide herself.”
“I think all women can relate to not feeling the best about themselves and the bravery it takes to put yourself out there and still try. I felt a lot of empathy for her,” she continued. “Her bravery to express herself really inspired me and I genuinely thought she looked so beautiful. I tried really hard to get the courage to tell her she looked beautiful but felt scared I would make her uncomfortable, or feel outed? It’s hard to explain, I was worried about doing more damage.”
Culture, unfiltered
Our newsletter will bring you the pulse of queer culture, from the tastemakers to the groundbreakers.
Related
Oppression shouldn’t be a competition — but if TERFs want to make it one, the numbers speak for themselves.
“Do you think I did the right thing just letting her be alone? Would I have maybe made her feel outed by randomly telling her she’s beautiful?” she asked.
The trans folks of Reddit, by and large, had the same advice: Compliments are always welcome, as long as they’re not given with the caveat, “for a trans person.”
“I think the majority of women, trans or cis, appreciate an honest compliment,” reads one of the post’s top comments. “My only small suggestion would be to pick something specific. I’ve occasionally had women tell me I look good in general ways and it sometimes feels a bit… patronizing? Inauthentic? Something off. But if you say ‘hey I love your shoes’ or skirt, or nails, or ‘that color looks great on you’ then it is likely to feel completely genuine and not at all ‘I see you trying really hard’.”
Related
One trans person’s go-to response to being called brave? “It’d be awesome if I did not need to be.”
“i certainly would’ve appreciated it, and when i do get compliments from other women they’re always welcome,” wrote another commenter.
“however, i definitely notice when cis women come up to me to basically just show off how good of an ally they are,” she continued. “it’s like they’re trying to score points and/or prove to themselves that they’re a good person. instead of just seeing me as a woman, they see me as a minority they need to be extra nice to. i don’t like that. so try not to do that.”
“If you were telling her she was beautiful as you would tell any other woman, then no problem at all, and could well have made her day. We’re human. We like feeling beautiful,” echoed a third.
“But if your energy would’ve conveyed your concern of outing her, or indicated your consideration of her as trans, or was said quietly or in a way that implied there could be shame involved with receiving a compliment in public, or anything along those lines, then you absolutely did the right thing not saying anything,” she concluded. “Either way, it’s nice that there are people like you in the world.”
Sign up for the INTO newsletter and get your twice-weekly dose of stories that shape the queer experience, culture, and lifestyle.
