No matter someone’s intentions, there are some things that should simply go unsaid. That’s why trans folks are sounding off on Reddit on the worst things they’ve heard — and that they’d rather not hear again.
Under a Reddit post titled “What’s one thing you should never say to someone who’s trans?,” trans folks named the questions and phrases that grindr their gears. Lots of people pointed to comments that mean well, but do more harm than good.
A common phrase that trans folks get is, “You’re so brave,” but that implies being trans is a courageous action, rather than a fact of identity.
“Someone said this to me, at work during my coming out,” one commenter recalled. “I kinda snapped back, ‘is it brave to jump from a burning building? No, it’s survival… I’m not brave I’m trying desperately to live.’”
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Another shared their go-to response to being called brave: “It’d be awesome if I did not need to be.”
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“His ‘only conclusion’ could be that he was ‘temporarily turned gay due to the attitude,’” explained a weary girlfriend in a viral post.
Other commenters named comments they’d gotten on their appearance that are meant to be complimentary or affirming, like “You can’t even tell!”, “I never would have guessed,” or “You’re the best of both worlds,” which all tend to have the opposite effect.
“One thing specifically that bugs me is when people dance around saying the word trans or transgender,” wrote one user. “Don’t call it ‘living your truth’ or ‘being your authentic self,’ just say ‘being trans.’ It’s not a dirty word, but you refusing to say it makes me feel like you think it is and that sucks.”
“‘Living your truth’ is one that particularly pisses me off,” echoed another commenter. “It’s not my truth, it’s the truth.”
Similarly, the phrase “We love you no matter what” was called out for implying that transness is something to be loved in spite of, not loved for.
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“Trying out various nearly identical but subtly different voices to see what feels ‘right’ for your new forever voice.”
Other commenters recalled invasive questions like “Did you have your surgery yet?” and “How do you have sex?” (Some stock answers for that last one include “Abundantly,” “Really well,” and “Ask your mother.”)
Another common question: “Why would you want to be a girl?” One commenter explained that though they get why cis people would be confused, the question comes off as dismissive of transness.
“I get it. If you’re cis, it’s hard to understand what it’s like to have your body conflict with your gender,” they wrote. “But it feels really invalidating when someone asks why, because it implies they think I’m transitioning because I just…..feel like it?”
The common thread between all these offensive phrases and questions? Not minding your own business. Let it be a lesson to any well-intentioned allies: Treat trans folks the same way you’d treat anyone else, backhanded compliments and invasive questions included.
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