Why Is Alex Jones So Obsessed With Lesbians?

As a lesbian, I don’t expect straight, white, cis guys to get me or the sapphic set I rep, but it’s still fairly infuriating when they act like they know me/us.

Alex Jones is truly obsessed with mischaracterizing lesbians on his conservative talk show, and this week, the conspiracy theoristwent on a full-on rant about butch lesbians being abusive misogynistic cannibals. The kinds of emphatic claims he spat at his listeners include:

“I’m not blaming all lesbians, but most of these butch lesbians, they want to be the guy smacking the hot chick around. They think that’s manly. A lot of the chicks, they like it. No man will do that to them, and I’m not saying it’s good if a man does that, but some women like it. If they can’t find a man to smack them around, well they found them a girl gonna do it real goodknock them upside their head and have 50 Shades of Grey about the sexy rich guy that’s going to chain you up. Of course, you’re gonna go get chained up one time. They’re gonna put that devil mask or that piggy mask on. They’re gonna say, ‘Now I’m gonna torture you for about six weeks, so start begging for your mommy and your daddy.'”

I’m actually really glad you brought all of this up, Alex Jones. Let me help clarify and correct a few of these misguided ideas you have.

First of all, lesbians were probably the least likely to stan for 50 Shades of Grey because we have way more inspired erotica to invest our time in than some hetero Twilight fan fic that didn’t even have the audacity to cast Kristen Stewart in the movie version. And while many of us do enjoy BDSM, it’s not at all about getting “smacked around” (it’s generally referred to as slapping or spanking, BTW) or some kind of feeling of deserved violence and punishment. There’s a very different motivation for women who enjoy slapping or spanking or generally dominating one another, and it is an intimate act, not one of aggression.

It’s definitely not about one of being “the guy.” Nope, never, not at all. The whole point of sex between women is generally no dudes allowed, so, I guess that’s why Alex Jones is so misinformed. He’s not invited.

Sadly (hilariously?), Alex Jones thinks straight cis men are too sweet and kind to want to engage in anything as uncouth as consensual bondage and submission. They definitely aren’t interested in making women call them Daddy. Meanwhile, straight dudes are out here controlling, creeping on, and full-on assaulting women, abusing the power our patriarchal society affords them when they definitely do not deserve it. (Yeah, yeah, not all men, blah blah blah.)

But back to the lesbiansthe “liberal lesbians” (*raises hand*) that Alex Jones attempts to take to task during several Info Wars episodes as of late.

“They just want to have the guy with the duck’s ass haircut and the James Dean outfit,” Jones says. “They want to be slapping girls around, and statistically it shows it.”

Actually, Alex, here’s what the stats say: 3.6% of lesbian women had experienced intimate partner violence and sexual abuse in their lifetimes and almost a third of them reported have experienced such incidents with one or more male perpetrators. 89.5% of bisexual women reported only male perpetrators of intimate partner physical violence, rape, and/or stalking. So, in all actuality, queer women aren’t the ones you should worry about as a whole.

But let’s say that there are a bunch of lesbians who like getting chained up, wearing masks and getting tortured in dungeons. (Sounds fun!) What they definitely don’t do is some Saw-type shit. But, alas, Alex Jones persists:

“They want to strap you down and take a buzz saw and cut the top of your head off like a pumpkin and pull it off and get a little spoon and go, ‘I’m going to eat your brain now!’” Alex Jones said this on his show. Then he did a (horrific) impression of a brain-eating lesbian saying, “I’m gonna eat your cerebral cortex last! I’ve got power! I love Satan! And I’m gonna suck you dry and I’m going to torture you to death.”

I keep wondering what B-movies he’s seen that have given him this idea, but even the goriest lesbian-tinged zombie flicks are less satanic than Alex Jones’ imaginationand they lack any butches with lesbian triangle haircuts that he seems to think we’re all after. (Not for me, personally, but I’m a sucker for a girl who can pull it off.) We’re way more prone to vampirism than brain eating, TBH, so I think that’s why it’s even more frustrating he can’t get his tropes right.

But, again, he doesn’t even go here.

It was just a few weeks before this tired tirade that Alex Jones, Lesbian Expert, told a story of a lesbian horse trainer who he said was “bossing everyone around” and allegedly hitting on his wife’s 18-year-old niece when they were visiting a horse farm. He demeaned her for “bragging about how she had her son under her control.”

“She was just having kids to have slaves,” he claimed. (Obviously he doesn’t understand how expensive and time-intensive it is for us to get pregnant in the first place and we definitely aren’t in it for the free labor.) He said with disdain that she was “running the women,” to which his guest Gavin McInnes chimed in, “What these butch dykes do is they want to be men, but they end up being a caricature of men. Sort of like a 1950s guy, so they’ll have like a pompadour and sideburns with a little thin moustache and a wife beater, and they’ll come home and go, ‘Hey, where’s my lunch, bitch?’”

First of all, don’t come for Lea DeLaria when she didn’t send for you.

I’m not about to tell you misogynist lesbians don’t exist, but in my experience, they are few and far between and should not be the sole representation for us any more than President Trump is the depiction of manhood.

McInnes, by the way, has his own terrible right-wing show where he once referred to Jada Pinkett Smith as a “monkey actress.” He’s also the co-founder of Proud Boys, which, despite sounding like an all-gay boy band, is actually an alt-right group for men who “refuse to apologize for creating the modern world.” So, again, he’s probably friendly with tons of queer women and can properly comment on us in the media.

Thanks to him, though, I can illuminate some hard truths for anyone who might still be under the misconception that lesbianism has anything to do with menacting like one, dressing like one, wishing they could be one. And therein lies the problem for Jones and McInnes and straight guys who just can’t stand that women can exist happily without them. They insert themselves however they can, weighing in with inaccuracies that perpetuate terrible myths that lead to misunderstanding and fear, which then add up to violence and inequality, all because guys like Alex Jones don’t think Ellen DeGeneres deserves Portia de Rossi, who I’m 100 percent certain have, respectively, never asked or been asked “Hey, where’s my lunch, bitch?”

Alex Jones is also transphobic because of course he is, and said the Orlando shootings were brought on by the LGBTQ community themselves, so it’s not like I’m expecting him to suddenly stop being a terrible person who uses sensationalism to bring people to his boring, dumb show. But at the very least, I can help him fact check his “statistics.”

Here’s one I came up with in my research: 100 percent of Alex Joneses are full of shit.