Age gaps are commonplace in queer relationships, but how big is too big? And how should you handle a parent who doesn’t approve?
Those were the questions on the mind of a gay man who turned to Reddit for advice. “So I’m 26, my boyfriend is 45,” he began. “Yes, there’s an age gap. No, I’m not being groomed. No, he’s not my sugar daddy (I still pay for my own Netflix, thanks).”
“We’ve been together long enough that things are getting real — like ‘meet-the-parents’ real,” he continued, later adding that they’d been together for a year and a half.
That’s where the trouble began, he went on: “I told my mom I wanted to introduce him, and she went full medieval. She didn’t just disapprove — she banned him from the house. Like we’re in some Victorian drama and he’s the scandalous baron corrupting her poor innocent son.”
Related
“They’re more woman than you will ever be. They had to fight for their life in order to call themselves one,” TikToker Alexis Rose explained.
Culture, unfiltered
Our newsletter will bring you the pulse of queer culture, from the tastemakers to the groundbreakers.
Though his wording was slightly confusing, the poster later clarified that he doesn’t live with his parents, and that she banned his boyfriend from her own house, not a house that they share.
“I stood up for us. It turned into a massive fight,” he continued. “I told her I’m an adult, I make my own choices, and I’m not asking for permission — just a little decency. But she’s dug in. Now it’s emotional blackmail, silent treatment, the works.”
“Honestly? I’m frustrated,” he concluded. “I didn’t expect a parade, but I didn’t expect a crusade either. I love this man, and I’m not going to break up with someone who treats me with respect and kindness because my mom can’t handle the number 45.”
Folks in his comments were divided. They could rationalize both sides of the story: Yes, the poster is an adult who can make his own decisions, but his mother being shocked at the idea of someone not far from her own age dating her son is also understandable.
“Sorry but if I was a parent with a 20 something year old child who was dating someone closer to my age than my child’s age, I wouldn’t be happy about it either,” wrote one commenter.
“You’re dating a man who is only slightly younger than your parents (assumingly) that’s understandably going to be very weird for your parents regardless of how valid your love is,” echoed another. “Give your mom some grace and in time she’ll come around. Don’t force it on her until she’s ready.”
Related
“How can you tell when a heterosexual-looking couple are actually a bisexual man and a bisexual woman in a queer relationship?” asks a viral TikTok.
One gay man in an age-gap relationship of his own also weighed in, providing some perspective as to where the poster’s relationship might lead.
“Trust me when I say this, you are both fairly young now, but in 20 years, you may still want to go out. That can become a point of tension,” he commented. “I was 32 when I met my other half. He was 50. I’m now 54 and he is 72. There are times I feel trapped. I’d like to go out, but he never wants to.”
“He may become less confident…more insecure as he ages, while you will still be fairly young,” he added. “Just something to take into consideration.”
On the whole, folks agreed the situation is nuanced — and as is so often the case, the answer is good ol’ fashioned communication.
“If you’re interested in preserving your relationship with her you should sit her down for a talk,” one commenter advised. “Tell her that you’ve been together for however long, that things are becoming serious and you hope to spend your life with him, that he’s kind and respectful and treats you well, that you’re financially independent, that you’ve met his parents, etc., and that since he and she are two of the most important people in your life, you’d like them to meet.”
“Tell her the 3 of you can go for coffee or lunch and you’re happy to take things slowly and let her get used to the idea, but that her rejecting him won’t change how you feel and won’t stop you from being with him,” they continued. “Give her a chance and some time to come around, but also make it a finite thing: 6 or 8 months or a year, or whatever. After that you have to live your own life, and if he’s going to be part of it that might mean her being less a part of it.”
Sign up for the INTO newsletter and get your twice-weekly dose of stories that shape the queer experience, culture, and lifestyle.
