Homophobic people are an unfortunate fact of life — but when someone close to you chooses to let one into their life, their prejudice becomes a much more pressing problem.
That’s why one gay man took to Reddit to ask his fellow gays for advice. “My best friend, woman, straight, of 25 years, finally found someone she likes and adores. I am happy for her,” he wrote in his post.
It may sound like a fairy tale, but there’s a catch: Around 10 dates into their relationship, the bestie’s beau dropped the bomb that he “hates gay people.”
“He wishes for gay people to not exist and will never be friends or associate themselves with one,” the poster relayed.
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The bestie reportedly reacted with the tried-and-true refrain of “my best friend is gay,” to which he said, “That doesn’t make me change my mind.”
“They are continuing to date,” the poster continued. “I don’t care if they’re still dating, but I have noticed she is talking to me less and either a. she’s invested in him too much which is normal in any new relationships, or b. he’s controlling her and limiting her conversations with me.”
“I am a bit sad but also, long term, unfortunately, if he’s the controlling type, I lost her,” he concluded. “What would you feel or do in my situation?”
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“Why stay in your safe, committed relationship even if it has problems, if you can be single and not be criticized or ridiculed or anything?”
Most of the comments were in consensus: If she’s so willing to accept an open homophobe as a partner, she was never much of a friend to begin with.
“It’s painful to see her willing to ditch her bestie for a homophobic man. It’s likely she wasn’t really an ally after all,” one comment reads.
“Honestly a real friend would have left him after that conversation. I’m sorry for your loss,” wrote another commenter.
So, what’s the poster to do? “Sorry mate, but if I were in your shoes, I’d cut ties with her,” one user advised.
“Same. She needs to choose,” agreed another. “I don’t think she would choose OP, but at least she may understand something’s wrong.”
“If your friend has a homophobic partner and [it’s] not a major issue, she’s not an ally nor your friend. Next,” echoed a third. “Remember not to be there for her when she comes back.”
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“His ‘only conclusion’ could be that he was ‘temporarily turned gay due to the attitude,’” explained a weary girlfriend in a viral post.
Another suggested it may not be a homophobia issue, but a general friendship issue. “I’ve lost best friends because they simply got in a relationship… That’s it,” they wrote. “Perhaps it’s not his influence, but she’s one of those people who tend to drop off everyone’s radar and just prioritise the boyfriend.. it’s more common than you think.”
Still, as many commenters pointed out, a friend who’s willing to put up with homophobia isn’t much of a friend at all. “Your friend’s behavior says a lot about her principles,” one commenter wrote. “If she doesn’t mind being with a homophobe despite you being her best friend, then she obviously wasn’t as much of an ally as she made out to be.”
“She’s already established her moral priorities and you’re not first, so the epilogue in this case seems already written,” they continued. “If she continued to be with him and then they broke up for other reasons, she would still be a person who didn’t mind being with that type of person. I don’t think she’s homophobic, but she doesn’t mind being with a homophobe.”
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