As gays, we love celebrities so much. We defend them fiercely and to the death, and when we get a chance to peek inside of their lavish homes, bitch we snatch it up faster than you can say “Snatch Game.”
So imagine our collective delight upon learning that lesbian goddess Cara Delevingne let Architectural Digest into her Los Angeles home for a video tour.
After meeting Cara’s super cute husky, we’re given the full tour and holy Elton John, is it gay! From the see-through grand piano to the Gucci wallpaper, Cara’s decor is serving Golden Girls, but make it expensive. She explains that the floors are very hard, so hard she needs a scooter to get around (adorable) and explains, holding her dog Alfie, that she likes to play the piano naked sometimes.
“Hugh Hefner is the inspiration for this house,” she says, showing us a resplendent Playboy pinball machine in the living room. “This is kind of like my playboy mansion.”
And then, we see it. The vagina tunnel. It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s hidden behind a mirror and looks like a muppet. It also has a distinct clitoris. No sooner does Cara introduce us than she throws herself right into the tunnel.
“I come in here to think, I come in here to create,” she says. “I feel inspired in the vagina tunnel.”
Then she shows us “where this lovely labia leads,” because the vagina tunnel is literally a tunnel that serves to connect one room of her house to the next.
This is the part where I start to wonder, is this just a Cara Delevingne thing, or do all celebrities have this vagina tunnel in their home? Is it like how Macaulay Culkin allegedly replaced all the doorknobs in his bachelor apartment with realistic dildos back in the day? Barbra Streisand may have a full-on mall under her house, but does she have her own version of the vagina tunnel?
If she does, I hope she calls it “The Lion, The Clit and the Wardrobe.”
As it turns out, this tunnel ends in a pink, retro washing machine door leading to one of the presumably many bedrooms. There is a David Bowie shrine in the bathroom. There is a hat collection.
And let’s not forget the ball pit.
But honestly, everything after the vagina tunnel is kind of an anticlimax. Sorry, Cara.
I just have one question. Actually, I have a few questions: was this tunnel built before or after the Ashley Benson breakup? Does it qualify as a she-shed? How many dogs can fit in there at once (we know the answer is more than 2.) Also: shoes on, or shoes off?
Cara, if you’re listening, please report back as soon as possible.